By Anonymous

I have spent more years and more money having my hair colored than I should admit. It may be an addiction and especially now that I have gray hair – you can’t just stop. But what a pain to get to the salon, get everyone else busy doing something for 2 to 2.5 hours so you can sneak away, and then there’s the cost, which is a real splurge. So I started thinking: you can color your own hair, right? So many women do it and it has to be faster and maybe just as easy? At least I can do it on my own time, right?

These are all logical arguments, and they all came together when my hair started glowing in the dark last week. When my haircolor grows out, my hair actually gets lighter, partly because of the gray roots and partly because it’s been highlighted so many times that it’s actually bleach blond underneath. I thought about sticking with that look for a few days but then I saw a picture and it just wasn’t good, so I decided to get my act together.

I finally settled on one of those haircolor combo kits so my hair would actually look highlighted. In case you didn’t know, to do this, you have to color your entire head of hair (never say dye) and then dry it, and then go back and do the highlights. (At this point, I started wondering what part of doing my own color was easier than letting my stylist just do it.) By now I am committed to the idea though, so I started off. What the box called “dark blonde” was much closer to “turd.” I was panicking when I washed it out, I was panicking when I blow-dried it, and I was panicking when my husband came home from watching football. The first thing he said was, “oh it looks nice” which either meant he’d had too many beers while watching the game, or that it had really, really looked bad before I started. It’s also funny because we’ve had a few discussions about how he would prefer my hair to be platinum blonde, which it never has been and never will be. But I better hurry up with this story because there are still highlights left to do.

I decided to wait to do highlights til everyone was in bed. I was already too tired, so once I got all the bits of hair strategically chosen and coated with the lightening goo, I set the alarm just in case. The ranges on the box were completely random, and my hair was very dark, so I decided to go with the middle range – leave blonding goo on for 45 mins to an hour. Wow. I guess that was too long because when I did a strand test, the highlights looked like white strings against the darker color. Oh well, at this point I was completely stuck with it, so I started washing the goop out in the downstairs bathroom sink. This would have been fine except that I realized (too late) that the sink was too shallow to hold all my hair. I am sopping wet, I can’t take this show upstairs because I will wake up 4 people, so I keep going.

After a near-miss gouging my head on the faucet, then 20 minutes and a full bathroom cleanup later, I had finished rinsing-out in the kitchen sink, which I thought was pretty clean until the smell of whatever was in the garbage disposal had me gagging for a full 5 minutes. Although I was scared, I decided to go back to the bathroom and look at the results, but then remembered that my hairbrush was upstairs with everyone else. At that point I gave up and just went to bed – hair wet and unbrushed, no extra lights on – but no one woken up either.

When I woke up, my hair had dried into a Flock of Seagulls bouffant and the color was as bad as I thought. Between the crappy result, the drama, and the fact that this was NOT easy (I would call it a pain in the ___ when all was said and done), I’d suggest that you keep your stylist, especially if you really like them. There is the off chance that practice makes perfect, but I’ll never know.