By Heather Keenan
Dear Sunglasses,
I never find the time to say it, but I love you. You make me a better woman and mother. Let me count the ways.
1. Finally admit that you don’t love wearing your mom hat all the time? Awesome! No worries about washing your make-up off when you creep home at 1am! Go on and pass out … your sunglasses will be there for you in the morning to cover that smeared mascara in the car line! Now you have plenty of time to drop those kids off, go home, shower up, and take the baby to Costco for a few rounds of samples to kill that White Russian induced hangover.
2. Sure kids, we can go to the park, even though I have zero interest in talking to the chatty, hovering, “why is everything they and their children own monogrammed”, moms there about how amazing it is that their 15 month started sleeping through the night without having to use the barbaric “cry it out” method. Slap on some shades and there will be no eye contact needed! You can browse Facebook while you semi-watch your kids, from the bench, like a normal person.
3. Witnessing your kid’s joy as they frolic in the pool is borderline amazing. What actually IS amazing is laying on a pool chair, eyes closed, soaking up the rays. No problem. Pop over to Target for a $15 pair of over-sized shades, grab a chair, and position it toward your children. You can “watch” all of their sweet pool tricks with your eyes closed, undetected. (Obviously make sure someone else is watching your kids. Geez, I’m not a monster.) Throw in a few random thumb’s ups and you are on the fast track to Mother of the Year.
4. We all have at least one friend that seems to be unable to arrive at lunch on time. So, there you are, sitting on the deck of you favorite restaurant, at the perfect table, alone. No worries. Keep those sunglasses on and you will appear cooler than a polar bear’s toenails (as Outkast would put it). You are not a woman at a corner table, alone, being wondered about by other diners. You are a movie star hoping to go unnoticed. But seriously, your friend needs to get a watch.
5. Tears. They happen to the best of us. Sometimes there is nothing more fulfilling than a good, lock yourself in the bathroom, cry. While the reason behind the waterworks varies from a five year old’s tantrum to learning that you are completely out of Absolut, the end result is the same. Your upper face now resembles Staypuff’s. A truck full of cucumber slices couldn’t calm those puff bags. Fear not, no one at the neighborhood barbecue will suspect a thing, as long as you shade up. Good thing, otherwise you would have missed out on Homeschool Sally’s homemade (of course) Mediterranean couscous.
I promise to keep all of these reasons in mind and try to refrain from leaving you on the hood of my car, shoving you into my cracker crumb lined purse, and allowing my toddler to play with, aka drool all over, you. You are there for me, I will be there for you. Many thanks, sunglasses.
Sincerely,
One Thankful Mother
PS….Huge props to you moms out there that actually didn’t have to use the “cry it out” method. You’re sort of my hero.
