By Guest Blogger Thea DeLoreto
How many bathrooms do you have? We have one. Uno. A single tinkletorium. We live in a cute little bungalow that was built in the twenties and apparently flappers and dandies and mobsters were not well versed in the art of hydration beyond their moonshine and therefore did very little of the weeing. I am sure it had nothing to do with how expensive toilets and bathtubs were. Because we choose to live in a house that we love, in a neighborhood we love, we also have to deal with a few ugly truths. I feel it is only right that I share so others will understand. With great crown molding comes great responsibility.
I have advice for all those families who have at least two or more members and are looking at a house with one bathroom. It is doable, but you gotta know what you are getting into. Don’t shudder and stop here because you don’t want to to know. You need to know. Please, you have to understand. Dear Lord…you must be prepared.
1. If you are a couple, with no children, one bathroom seems laughably doable. You are in love, you are not modest, there is nothing you don’t want to share. I cannot stress enough that you will not always feel like this. Sometimes, you just don’t want to put on makeup when your one true love is cutting his toenails. Cause that snip snip snip makes it hard to put on your face when your skin is literally crawling. And forget about feeling lovey dovey. When you are in the shower and someone must shadoob, it’s a game changer. Game. Changer. We have never lived in a house with more than one bathroom. The only couples closer on this earth are the ones that crouch over a hole together in the jungle.
2. If you are a couple expecting, or have, a tiny one, you will look at your sweet little house with one bathroom and say, “we have a few years before potty training. We can totally add a bathroom on before our perfect child can even walk, much less be dropping it like its hot in a toilet instead of a diaper.” But you probably won’t do that. Because who wants to do construction when you have a newborn? And who can make any decisions about tile and shower heads when you haven’t slept in a month? You could end up with a pink toilet with a squishy toilet seat and a heart shaped tub (I am sure that is what my subconscious would pick out). And once you have a baby, you are spending money on diapers and yoga pants and a rooftop carrier and coffee. Trust and believe that you will have one bathroom when that child is being potty trained. Please see #3.
3. When a child is being potty trained, there is no putting them off. There is no, “hang on, mommy needs a minute to be alone.” When they start a’knocking, let that kid in. The alternative is just not worth it. Especially if you have a runner in your hall (ours is sisal which is code for impossible-to-clean-nooks-and-crannies). So therefore, one must be prepared to cut all visits to the toilet short. When you walk in, don’t plan on committing to a long sit down. Ain’t happening unless you are the only one home.
4. With kids, you can NEVER count on being alone. If you need to do some sort of “landscaping” or you want to bleach your mustache alone, wait until everyone is out of the house. Otherwise, there is a chance you will permanently scar your children and give them something to tell their preschool teacher. No one wants to overhear, “my mommy has a hairy bod-ee and she pulls the hairs out with stickers and it makes her cry.” Awk-ward. Also know you will not pee alone. You will not poop alone. Even if they don’t really need to go, they will pretend they do. And then they will sit on their mini potty while you sit on the big potty and chat you up like you are just two people, sitting at the bus stop.
5. There will be an uneven division of time. Someone will always get more. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. The men. Every one of my friends does not understand what takes their husbands so long in the b-room. I often wonder if we have an Ipad hidden in there I don’t know about, or maybe an escape hatch lets him sneak down to the corner for a beer? “This Is 40” hit the nail on the head. Get out of the bathroom and help me dammit. I don’t get to sit in the bathroom while someone else monitors Lady Baby’s scissor usage during craft time or finds something not embarrassing to pack in her lunchbox. You shouldn’t get to either. (I totally yelled that in my head).
This is a true text that happened just this morning: Me (6:26am) I’d like to take a shower soon. I literally texted my husband from my bed to the toiley down the hall to get out because I had to bathe. This is what I am talking about people. We actually discuss at night the bathroom schedule in the morning. Like it’s college. Except with work and responsibilities and a kid who is going to wake up and probably ruin the schedule anyway. And now Her Highness is throwing me out of the bathroom. Just yesterday, I am getting out of the shower and she comes in, sits down and says, “Mommy, please stop boddering me.” I had to leave the bathroom so my child could deuce. Never mind she has a masters degree in boddering people on the potty. It’s her bathroom…I’m just using it.
I just want y’all to know what you are getting into. Do I love my house with its awesome crown molding and high ceilings and front porch? Yes. Would I love to have a bathroom that does not have a revolving door? Absolutely. One of these days. Until then, it’s all family all the time in the thunderbox.