After doing a couple of call-outs for stories and tidbits for this column, I received a bunch of really cute one-liners from readers over the past few weeks, plus a couple of things I’ve overheard, saw, or stolen from friends’ Facebook pages. I decided to compile them all together, and I hope you enjoy them as much I as did. Don’t forget to add your own version of “ba dump dump chshshshsh” after each line!
“Anna walked back into preschool after holiday break and was asked what Santa brought her. My father-in-law had gotten her a V-tech reader so she said that he’d brought her a “new cooter.” Ick! The teachers were in stitches. She’s almost 4 so her speech in still a work in progress.”
“Last year in Sunday School during Advent the teacher asked the class, ‘Who remembers what town Mary & Joseph stayed for the night?’ And my son Colin answered, ‘Fresno?’ The teacher told me the story when I picked him up!! We laughed for days!!”
“I was sitting in mass on Christmas Eve at our church, and the priest that evening is known for his long homilies. About half way through it, the boy in front of me (probably a first grader) leaned over to his grandfather and I heard him say, ‘This is going into overtime!'”
“In honor of MLK Day, I saw this quote written by a first grader in the hall of my daughter’s elementary school. Apparently the children were asked to write about something they dream about. Here’s one that just cracked me up: I have a dream that people don’t care about money so much. I suggest something else for them to do.”
“Setting: in the back seat while parents are driving to visit family for the weekend. Dad says to his two-year-old daughter, ‘Thea – see those cows in the field out the window?’ Thea responds: ‘I can’t see S-H-T back here.’ (Since her parents always spell S H I T – she forgot the ‘I’ and said S H T. How cute is that?)”
“Setting: my back deck the day after a barbecue with friends the night before. There was a cooler on our back deck. Note: I don’t have children. Sam, age 4, opens up the cooler and says. “Is that pop? My mom and dad won’t let me drink it at my house, but I’m pretty sure that it’s okay if I have one at your house.”
“So Logan and Grace were in the bathroom and I told Logan he doesn’t need the stool any more on the toilet because he is getting so tall. I left and then heard Logan tell Grace ‘When I get really tall, my penis is going to get really big too.'”
“N: ‘Mama, the new Kinect (for Xbox) is broken.’
N: ‘Well I just played it naked and there’s a big fuzzy spot in the camera right here.’ (insert crotch grab)
Me: ‘Naked video game playing is not appropriate even the Xbox knows that, put some clothes on…and wash your hands!’ (Impressed xbox has privacy/nudity controls!)”
And this one I posted on my Facebook page a few months ago, but I still laugh every time I think about it…
“My six-year-old daughter wants to say a prayer every night before dinner, and sometimes she says more than one. So sweet. But tonight after the prayer, my three-year-old son said, ‘Ok, let’s just say one tonight, ok? C’mon gimme a break!'”
Have any more one-liners or short stories you can share for an upcoming Sunday Funnies column? Send them to me and I’ll start compiling again. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.