By Thea DeLoreto, author of the blog The Lint Trap
Hubs and I have been married for 9 years. NINE. That is almost ten years. That is practically a d-e-c-a-d-e. Also known as for-ev-er. In my time as one half of a pair, I have learned a few things about dudes. I feel it is only right to share these things with husbands. Before y’all are all, “dayum, she dogged her man out for everyone to read,” let me be clear. Hubs is not guilty of all of these things right now.
1.Always put the toilet seat down. Do you know how pissed a wife is when she goes to the potty in the dark after rocking a screaming child back to sleep, only to dunk her lady bits in the same water that resides in the bowl you took a massive dumper in a few short hours ago? Newsflash: it makes her super angry. Like hold your nose and your mouth at the same time for a few seconds while you are asleep, mad.
2. When the mother of your children rebuffs your advances, don’t pout. Please keep in mind that she has a constant reminder that poops its pants and screams “don’t hit me” in front of strangers at Target of what happens when the nookie is permitted. Take your party favor out in public sometime and see how many times you have to say, “please get off the floor” and “stop scratching your tootie.” You will understand why she wants your pants to stay zipped.
3. When in doubt, pick it up. This applies to anything. Your socks, trash, a dog turd on the rug. It doesn’t matter who put it there. It doesn’t matter what it is. All that matters is that each time you walk by said object and ignore it, there is another tic mark by your name. You get enough of those, and you are going to be sorry. Like picking your own crap up forever, sorry.
4. Don’t act surprised that it is her birthday/valentines day/anniversary/mother’s day. She takes care of everyone. Even your family. You have one person to take care of. Her. The one you vowed to love. Part of that is not forgetting days that a)happen every year, b)are often pre-printed on your calendar. You are not permitted to act like it snuck up on you. If you can remember meetings and home openers you can freaking remember the days to cherish she who got varicose veins and chin hairs carrying your children for nine months.
5. Take out the garbage. Are you one of those weirdos who has figured out how to have such a small carbon footprint that it looks like a mouse has been scurrying around? Didn’t think so. You got some trash in that can. It pisses us off real good when you leave for work after tossing your k-cup into a garbage can that is so full it would power Doc Brown’s time machine for a good three months. And you just walk out that door. And don’t even look back. Without the garbage. *her eyes turn a fiery green and a hex is then put on your junk*
6. Tell your wife she is pretty. A lot. Even when she is like a year postpartum and still is carrying the weight she left the hospital with. Even when she is sitting on the couch in yoga pants that have never been tested in an actual yoga situation and have holes in the behind that show her old drawers. Even if she keeps forgetting to pluck her eyebrows. Even if you haven’t seen her with makeup on in a long, long time. Tell her she is pretty so she won’t completely give up and never wear anything but extra large tee shirts and bedroom slippers again. Give her a reason, man.
7. Never question her phone activities. Yes, she uses 92% of your family data plan. Yes, she goes over her text limit every month. That tells me maybe you should look at different plans instead of questioning what she is doing. She is the person who is taking care of your children. The only calls that are of your concern is if she has to call 911. Everything else–none ya’.
8. Know your wife. Know what she likes. Know what she doesn’t like. Know what she appreciates. Know how you can make her smile. Know what pisses her off. Know her and show her you know her. She knows you, my friend. She knows how you like your sandwich cut. She knows how you take your coffee. She knows which fabric softener you like. She knows. And she knows how to make your life a living hell. So show her you know a little something about her too.
9. Don’t judge your wife’s underwear. Some like a thong. Some like a hipster. Some like a granny. Keep any and all opinions to yourself. Our underwear is the one thing that we can wear for ourselves, to be comfortable. It doesn’t matter if it is in style, or a certain color, or the right brand. All that matters is that we like it. If you like it? Good for you. We don’t care. No one cares about your underwear. Except to acknowledge that they are gross and show your inability to perform the basic hygiene we mastered at age three.
10. Don’t wait to be asked. Nothing pisses a wife off like the obvious being ignored. We know the child is screaming mommy, but that is merely a default word. You are still permitted to see what the problem is. Your wife should not have to ask you to do anything that is obvious. Like taking out the garbage. If you see something that you think needs attention like a full dishwasher or a child with their pants on backwards or cat throw up on the floor or an empty TP roll use that initiative they are always applauding at work. Go ahead and take care of it. We won’t mind.
There you go husbands. Free advice. I hope you appreciate this, because it is not often we ladies reveal our secrets. You follow these simple rules and maybe you too will get to the magical ninth anniversary. Wives, feel free to print out a copy and leave it somewhere strategic for your man, like taped to the i-pad or on the underside of the toilet seat. I am sure they will thank you for helping them to reach their full potential.