How Do You Find a Safe Pen Pal for Your Child?
Last Updated August 2026 by Kodia Byers | Originally written in 2013 by TMoM Team Member
When I was really young (like first or second grade), I remember my mom barging into my room with an envelope in her hand demanding to know why a grown man from Maryland was writing me a personal letter.
I was clueless and my mom was horrified. I don’t even think I knew where Maryland was at the time, let alone knew someone from this mysterious place! After she opened the letter it all made sense.
Turns out he was responding to a short message I wrote weeks earlier, addressed to no one in particular, saying I was seeking a pen pal. I had stuffed the letter in a glass bottle, screwed on a top, and threw it in the Little Egg Harbor Bay behind my grandparents’ beach house in New Jersey.
Amazingly enough, that bottle made its way from that little New Jersey bay, out into the choppy Atlantic Ocean, and down into the Chesapeake Bay, just outside of Baltimore, a couple hundred nautical miles away! This stranger happened to spot it floating next to his sailboat. In his letter back to me, he said my note was still intact enough to read, and he wanted to write back to prove he received it. Thankfully, he turned out to be a harmless stranger and nothing came of it, but looking back, it’s a good example of exactly how not to go about finding a pen pal.
Why Pen Pals Are Still a Great Idea, Done Safely
Fast forward years later, and my own daughter was at that same age, also curious about having a pen pal. A pen pal relationship can still be a wonderful, low-pressure way for kids to practice writing, learn about the world, and build a long-distance friendship. But it does require some thought around safety, since you’re essentially introducing your child to someone you don’t personally know.
The good news is that finding a safe pen pal doesn’t have to mean posting a message in a bottle or handing out your home address to a stranger. Here are safer ways to go about it.
Start With People You Already Have a Connection To
The easiest and safest pen pal relationships often start with someone already loosely connected to your family, a cousin, a friend’s child, a kid your family met on vacation, or a classmate who moved away. My own daughter’s pen pal relationship started this way, with a girl her age who lives near her grandparents in another state. Because there was already a real-world connection, it felt like a safer starting point than reaching out to a stranger.
Use Established, Vetted Pen Pal Programs
Rather than posting an open request online or in a comment section (which can unintentionally invite contact from adults posing as kids, or vice versa), look for pen pal programs designed specifically for children and run through trusted organizations, such as school-to-school pen pal exchanges coordinated by teachers, or pen pal programs run through your child’s school, church, or scouting organization. These programs typically vet participants and route mail through the organization itself rather than sharing home addresses directly.
Keep a Layer of Privacy Between Kids
Unless you know your child’s pen pal and their family personally, avoid giving out your home address directly. Some families use a PO box, or have letters routed through a school or program address instead. It’s also worth reviewing your child’s letters together, especially early on, so you know what’s being shared and can talk through any red flags.
Talk to Your Kids About What Not to Share
Just like with online safety, it’s worth having a conversation with your child about what’s okay to include in a letter (their first name, general interests, hobbies) and what’s not (full address, school name, daily schedule, or other identifying details) until you’re confident the relationship is a safe, appropriate one.
Consider Email as a Middle Ground, With Supervision
For some families, a supervised email account can offer a bit more control than physical mail, since you can monitor messages more easily. If you go this route, use a dedicated account you check together rather than your child’s personal email, and treat it with the same level of oversight you’d give any other online communication.
Want to see more blogs like this and also get notifications on local events and happenings? Subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.