By Guest Blogger Bailey Eisenkirch

We just celebrated my daughter’s second birthday! Say what?!

How did that even happen? I have been her mom for two years! It seems like just yesterday she was just a tiny newborn who cried all night. Now she is a headstrong toddler who whines all day—joking. Kind of. Although I have been a step mom longer then I have been a bio-mom, the experiences I have shared through motherhood are different. I love all my titles of being a mother and they have both shown me so much about life.

Over the last two years, there are a few things I have learned that every new mom needs to be aware of. I mean, I wish someone would have told me these things sooner, that is how important they are! So, if you are pregnant or maybe have a newborn, get ready to have your mind blown with my Top 10 Rules to Surviving It All

1. Overdressing is key.

First off, every time you leave the house and there is a slight wind, you MUST dress your child in a coat, mitts, hat, ski pants, long underwear and just to be safe, wrap them in a wool blanket.

I know deep down you know that your child will only be outside in the elements for about 30 seconds so how on earth will they get cold? Well, the truth is they probably won’t. However, there are other humans around when you are out and about and they will judge you for not bundling your child like you are in the Arctic Circle. Trust me, those judge-y stares and whispering to one another make you PARANOID! They have to be talking about you. Welcome to motherhood. So, just skip the embarrassment and bundle that child like a baked potato. You are welcome.

2. You will be late for every single thing for the next 18 years.

No matter how much time you give yourself, it will not be enough time. Want to go to the grocery store before the baby’s next feeding? Chances are they will be DYING OF STARVATION when you get deep into the grocery store. I will put money on that. Do they have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning? You better just go camp outside the doctor’s office tonight just to be safe. I do not know what it is, but time will just be a four letter word after kids. They will sense you need to be somewhere, and they will act accordingly.

3. The biggest parenting lie revealed: “Okay, five more minutes.”

I realize now that when my mom would tell us this, she would never count. It was just that little bit of hope that we were getting to stay up later. That little bit of hope throughout motherhood is when you just close your eyes in bed for five more minutes then end up sleeping for an extra five hours and you have no idea what year it is.

I find myself telling my daughter this all the time:

“Okay, five more minutes then it is bed time.”

“Okay, five more minutes and we are going home.”

It is never five more minutes, it is more like two minutes. Mom is ready for a glass of wine so you must commence to your bedroom.

4. You think Lululemon should personally sponsor you because that is literally all you wear now.

Leggings are so versatile. They are nice enough to wear to the store without looking like a complete slob, yet they are comfy enough to bend over and pick up your child’s soother off the floor 87 different times. Who wants to do that in jeans? Not me. I like my muffin top secured in my high wasted yoga pants thank you very much. So Lululemon, help a girl out won’t you!?

5. You can easily ruin someone’s day by asking them to put clothes on.

As much as we would all just love to run around in our birthday suit, there are just some things that we must do every day. Some of these things include brushing your teeth — hello, morning breath, checking Instagram, and putting clothes on.
This is a hard lesson to learn when you are a three feet tall mini dictator and trying to single-handedly run a household. I will admit if I ran down the street naked someone would call the cops, but if my daughter ran down the street naked it would be super cute. What would not be cute is me running down the street behind her with a pair of pants in my hands! My husband and I are praying that she grows out of this before she moves out for college.

6. Nothing can possibly embarrass you throughout motherhood. Well, most of the time.

After you give birth, nothing really phases you anymore. You showed off your lady bits to 20 random humans in the hospital and had no shame. You leaked liquid, screamed profanity, and maybe even pooped on the table.

So can a toddler temper tantrum embarrass you in the middle of the grocery store? Not really. What about a puke stained shirt? Not even a thought. What I do find embarrassing is when my daughter asks random men if they are her Daddy. That, my friends, is embarrassing.

Now, if I hear a kid screaming his lungs out while we are out in public I often salute the mother like Katniss on Hunger Games. We are all in this together just trying to make it out alive.

7. Your kids will look like a Baby Gap model and you will look like something out of a Tim Burton movie.

I cannot resist a good children’s clothes sale! My kid has WAY too many clothes. I cannot even keep them straight. However, my kryptonite is those emails I receive from The Children’s Place or Carters.
“OMG buy one get one 50% off! Um, I will take five!”

“Buy two and get the third one free?! Do not mind if I do!”

Meanwhile, back in my closet, most of my clothes are from BEFORE motherhood. I just have a hard time justifying why I would need new socks when only one of them have a hole in them? Anyone else like this?

8. Coconut Oil saves lives!

This stuff is all over Pinterest telling you that it cures everything. You can cook with it and even use it as a moisturizer. If that isn’t versatile at its finest I do not know what is!

Dry skin/hair? Coconut oil.

Cracked nips? Coconut oil.

Cradle cap? Coconut oil.

Hole in the dry wall? Coconut oil.

Seriously, this stuff is the oil of the Gods.

9. You can bribe kids to do just about everything with a snack.

I have learned the importance of always having snacks on hand. Now, I did not say snack, I said snackS. Plural. You need multiple snack-like items on hand at all times. You just never know when you will need them. Also, they may pound back that apple sauce pack like they haven’t been fed in days and be looking for more.

I now base most of my shopping places on who offers free kid snacks at the door. You da real M.V.P!

10. And finally, it will blow your mind how kids can survive on juice boxes and dreams alone.

They will go through phases where they will not eat much, but still find the energy to run up and down the hallway repeatedly all day long. I am still trying to crack down the science behind this phenomenon, but I will be getting back to you once I figure it out.

I was worried about my daughter not eating much so I talked to her doctor at one of her checkups. He told me not to worry (something I heard a lot as a new mom), they will eat when they are hungry. They will NOT starve themselves to death. That was nice and reassuring.

Well, there you have it! The top 10 list of what I learned in my first two years of motherhood. To be honest, the biggest thing I learned was not to take myself so seriously. We are all literally trying to make it to bedtime. Just do whatever makes you and your family happy!

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