By TMoM Team Member Brooke Coley
I have dreamed of motherhood ever since I was a little girl. I rocked my baby dolls and pushed my little brother in his stroller. I became a teacher, married my college sweetheart, and couldn’t wait to start our family. I never knew anyone who struggled to get pregnant. I only knew families who had a handful of kids running around enjoying life.
After about a year of trying to conceive, my husband and I began to worry. We decided to talk to my doctor about the process and get his opinion. He recommended I take medication to increase our chances of having a child. I took medicine for about 6 months and it turned my hormones completely upside down. I was irritable, extremely fatigued, and more anxious than ever. We decided to take a break from everything for a little while. Everyone told us “just don’t think about it and it will happen”. But, it didn’t happen.
After three years into the infertility process, my doctor recommended I see a specialist. The waitlist to get in was six months out, so I would have a little longer to try naturally. I tried eating healthy, running, resting, and everything in between. I never once received a positive pregnancy test. I was absolutely heart broken. Why me? Am I not good enough to be a mama? What will my future look like if I can’t have children? The doubts were all consuming and the pain indescribable.
Well five years later, after many tears, a few procedures, and a variety of medications….I was pregnant for the first time with a precious baby boy! I cannot even put into words the joy I felt when I found out the news. My whole world lit up and I started to see clearly again. I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy and was on a great deal of medicine throughout this process as well. I was induced three weeks early because I developed Cholestasis during my pregnancy. This was dangerous for our baby so they scheduled my induction for November 8, 2019. I was unable to deliver naturally and needed an emergency C-Section. Thankfully, when my son was born, he was healthy weighing 8 lbs. 1 oz.! He spent no time in the NICU and three days later, we were at home soaking in every ounce of newborn cuddles we could get.
If you are walking through infertility right now, I want you to know…you are seen, you are loved, and you are not alone. The waiting period is by far the most challenging season. This was the darkest time in my life. It helped me to journal my feelings, prayers, and next steps. Opening up with loved ones was also a huge encouragement to me. People want to walk through this with you. They want to hold your hand. And they want to make you laugh! Let them in.
You may end up having biological children or you may end up adopting. You may become a foster parent or you may become an aunt. We all become mothers in different ways. We all have a purpose for our life and it is unique to each of us. Look for the ways you are called to care for little ones in your life. In addition, look for ways to be gentle with yourself throughout the process!
Today I have two precious little boys who are so full of life! They are wide open and always keep me on my toes. There are times throughout the day when I pause just to hold them a little longer. At night, I sneak into their rooms to watch them sleep for a few minutes. And each time I think…wow, if only I knew then what I know now.