My friend Susan is a hurricane. She’s also a basset hound, a grilled cheese sandwich, the Earl of Grantham on Downtown Abbey, St. Peter, Pocahontas, “The Way You Look Tonight”, and has an IQ of 152.
I know all of this because Susan has taken every Buzzfeed quiz in existence and posted the results on Facebook. In reality, Susan is a slightly frumpy, middle aged mom who bears a passing resemblance to a basset hound and most certainly does NOT have an IQ of 152. She does, however, eat a grilled cheese sandwich every day, so she may indeed be on her way to becoming one.
In reality, Susan is just like me.
Maybe there’s something to these quizzes, I started thinking. If Susan is getting an ego boost from knowing that she was royalty in a past life, shouldn’t I? So I went to Buzzfeed, clicked on “Quizzes”, and looked for something that would prove that I was, at least, more complex than a grilled cheese.
Are you a quitter?
This one looked interesting, but too long.
What meat are you? We can’t all be bacon!
Well screw that, then.
What clique were you in high school?
I am old enough to realize I don’t want to go back to high school. No thanks.
Which booze are you?
Now you’re speaking my language. Let’s go.
Question #1: Which social situation appeals to you the most right now?
Choices: Club, cocktail party, low key with friends, meal at a restaurant, dinner party, dive bar, beach party, picnic, huge rager.
The last time I went to a huge rager, my fat pants were a size 6. You catch cooties at dive bars, I don’t drink and picnic, and the only club I belong to sells mayonnaise in gallon tubs. I’ll go with dinner party.
Question #2: Pick a Flea face.
Choices: Various pictures of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. None of them could be called “attractive”.
I was never a RHCP fan, so I pick the one in which Flea appears to not smell like urine. There’s only one.
Question #3: Choose a cheese.
Choices: Cheddar, gruyere, mozzarella, nacho, I don’t like cheese, gouda, stilton, manchego, brie.
This is actually pretty hard, because I love cheese. I know that picking ‘nacho’ will send me down the path to getting ‘prison toilet hooch’, so I go with manchego.
Question #4: What is your best quality?
Choices: Great advice, kind and supportive, good taste in arts, willing to take risks, open minded, strong personal style, intelligent, well read, really really cool.
Question #5: What scent is the most appealing?
Choices: Oranges, lavender, BBQ, wood burning stove, old books, vanilla, baking bread, ocean breeze, old leather.
Another tough one! Why couldn’t they pick something not appealing, like baby barf or half full sippy cup you found under the seat after a week in August? I think I have to go with wood burning stove, because it makes me think of being curled up reading old books in a leather chair, while someone barbeques and bakes bread. It’s the best I can do.
Question #6: Which vegetable is most ‘you’?
Choices: Eggplant, spinach, avacado, carrots, beets, cucumber, asparagus, corn, pepper.
Clearly I am an avacado! Anyone can see that! (I wonder if the Buzzfeed editors have the munchies while they’re writing these quizzes?)
Question #7: What’s the best way to get over a breakup?
Choices: Cry it out alone, cry it out with a friend, throw yourself into your work, brood alone, go dancing, hook up with someone, vent anger safely, pretend it never happened, drink – duh.
I’ve been in a committed relationship for nearly 25 years. Why is there not an ‘all of the above’ option? Why is there not a ‘brood and drink and cry’ option? Duh.
That’s it, the last question! With the final click, my result pops up: WHISKEY. You’re tough, yet refined. You have a big, bold personality, but prefer to keep things rather low key. You’re a miraculous blend of many contradicting things, and only get more interesting with age and experience.
Maybe these quizzes are highly accurate after all – I’ll drink to that!