By Guest Blogger Michelle Griffith
My 5.5 year old boy was recently diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. I think by now, most people are familiar with ADHD. ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder might be a term you’re not so familiar with. A quick Google search defines ODD as: an ongoing pattern of behavior that is characterized by anger, irritability, as well as argumentative and defiant behavior towards those in authoritative positions. I’m guessing that sounds like every 3, 4 and maybe 5 year old out there to you, right? Well, not so much.
If you go on to read further, this behavior can be something that kids only exhibit at home or at school, maybe not both. Also, it lasts for a long time, and happens quite frequently. More so than your typical child, even toddlers, as crazy as they are. And this is where I’d like share my story of being a mother to a child with ODD.
Before I tell this from my point of view, or use the analogies I’ve been using, please let it be known that I am in no way shape or form trying to demean or diminish or make light of any type of abusive situation. I, myself, have never been in an abusive romantic relationship, nor was I abused as a child. That being said, when I describe to friends or family or coworkers what it’s like living in my home with my 5 year old, those are the words I find myself using quite frequently. “I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with him”.
Let me be clear on what I mean. And before I divulge what is my truth, ugly as it may be, I encourage you to please not judge unless you’ve walked in these shoes. These are very hard truths. Truths that are hard to even admit to oneself.
Most days of the week at this point, I dread getting out of bed to start our day. I dread coming home at night. I dread the most simple of tasks with him. I find it difficult to go into much with a positive attitude, because, quite honestly, I’ve been emotionally beat down. I dread social encounters, outings, etc. I dread staying home with him. I am filled with anxiety at the thought of being by myself with him. I can’t remember the last time I had a “fun” time with him. My life consists of walking on proverbial eggshells, never knowing what will set him off.
You see, with ODD, outbursts, screaming, fighting, and the like can occur at the drop of a hat. One minute, they’re hugging you, the next you’re dodging toys, and listening to blood curdling screams because you asked them to throw something away. And this goes on all day. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
Weekends are the worst. It’s such an ugly cycle. You go into the weekend with sometimes medium to high expectations. You hear your coworkers and friends talk about how they love to spend weekends with their kids. You think to yourself, “Gosh, I’m such a horrible mom, I dread the weekends because I have to be home with my child, what’s WRONG with me”? And then things are bad, and you cry. And you feel so angry, and sad, and resentful. And hurt. You’re so hurt, that the next time your child wants to be with you, hug you, love you, it’s hard. Because you’re a human being with feelings, and it’s hard to let go. So then, you feel guilty. You feel guilty that you resent this child that you do love SO much, but that you don’t feel like “liking.” And then you find yourself pulling away. Because you’re scared of those feelings. So, somewhere, in the back of your psyche, subconsciously, you pull away. Shut down. Try not to feel because it’s too much. You feel alone. Isolated. People don’t understand. You’re even at the point that when someone says, “Hope you guys have a great time/weekend/day,” you feel angry. They’ve said nothing wrong, but in the back of your mind, you’re thinking, “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH”? But, they don’t really know, do they?
The kick of all of this, at least for me, is that my child is an angel at school. And that’s where I started using the analogy of an abusive relationship. From the outside, things look OK. Here’s this beautiful, thoughtful, highly intelligent little boy, who follows all the rules at school. Literally never gets in trouble. Is friends with everyone in class, and is generous and caring. At home, that same child can be verbally mean, physically abusive, manipulative, and so defiant that asking anything of them is almost pointless. So, people think you’re overreacting. That you’re just overly sensitive to normal childhood behavior. And you start to think that maybe you are crazy. Not good enough. Inadequate. That it’s your fault. And this goes on for years.
Until finally, finally someone (a doctor) gives you the diagnosis. You’ve known all along that something wasn’t quite right. But these things take a while you see, for the reasons I stated above. There’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation going on. And nobody sees. And you can convince yourself that nobody cares and that you’re not going to make it. And if I’m being honest, I’m feeling like that most days.
This story doesn’t have a happy ending yet. It’s not even close to being finished.
Right now, we’re in the trenches. Fighting every day, living our truth, being honest, getting help, and doing what we need to do to survive. For us, that’s medicine, and therapy. Exercise. Using social media to connect to others going through this. And help. Lots of help.
As of right now I haven’t been able to find a support group locally for this, so maybe I’ll start my own? Right now, I’m treading water, and sometimes find it overwhelming to do anything more, so we’ll see. I hope this reaches some people that are maybe struggling like I am. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Hearing the words, “I know what you’re going through” have such enormous power. As humans, we strive for a sense of community. Hoping I can find mine through outlets like this.
Can you relate? Do you have words of encouragement for Michelle? If so, please leave a comment below!
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Mine is now getting to be the opposite. 5.5 years old, ADHD and anger issues came from dads side. He was terrible coming up. We put him in school this year, he was good for about a week. then all hell broke loose. He is now on medication for adhd, but he is increasinly angry and violent with the staff at school. not so much at home. I feel terrible like somehow it is all my fault, when i know it isnt. he is failing and we are starting counseling but I feel powerless right now. And he hates what happens when he goes off the deep end but he cannot really explain or control it
I like many others on here, cried while reading your words that could very well be my own. My oldest son is 5.5 and was just diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and general anxiety. Throughout his life I knew the tantrums were worse than other kids and with transitions he’s always had a hard time. He is amazing at school, a “star student.” And at home it feels like complete hell most the time, I have no idea which version I’m going to get at any given moment or if I’m going to say or do something that is going to rub him the wrong way, I started laughing this morning when he was telling me I was saying what we were going to do that day “wrong.” He was so frustrated that I wasn’t saying whatever it was how he wanted me to and Because I’ve run out of tears so I just laughed. Obviously that didn’t help but I’m just at a loss and feeling helpless at how to help him, myself, our family. I have a three year old boy who idolizes him and will follow whatever he says. And is also a victim to his anger and physical abuse at times as much as I try to shield him from all of it. I also have a newborn girl, and we moved from nyc to miami in January. A lot of change and at the time of the move I did not know the diagnosis and the day to day was not nearly as bad. All of the change has really not helped him at all.. he’s struggling and so am I. I know we are better than this. I know he’s in there and wants to be good. We’re in therapy and moving to CBT soon. I’m praying that things will get better soon. It’s been unbearable especially because I’m in newborn exhaustion land as well. Though his behavior is still more exhausting than anything. Knowing I’m not alone is helpful although I still feel so alone scared and sad. Would be great to be an in person support group. Please let me know if that exists! Community is everything.
The tears are flowing as I read all of your stories. I myself have an 11 year old that exhibits these explosive behaviors. He has ODD and ADHD and like most of you I dread getting out of bed. I cry most days because I too feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. Although I’m married I often bear this behavior alone as I am my child’s target and I am the one that spends the most time with him. This leads me to be resentful of my spouse. Some days I don’t know how I will make it through. When he is medicated things are much better! Sometimes I just want to run away.
My daughter (18) has oppositional defiance disorder. We refused to allow a written and formal diagnosis on her though and chose to just get through her childhood – because the military does not allow entry to those with ODD. And now – lo and behold – she has chosen to join the military (but done little to nothing to make it happen).
Her childhood was pure hell. I can recall ONE moment of joy with her and it lasted for about an hour when she was 14, right before she got her first period.
Other than that one moment, she has ruined every single vacation or outing, made every day of my parenthood miserable, and every year of school has consisted of her charming teachers with her “quiet grace” in the beginning only for them to realize later in the year that the more they try to help her, the more she digs her heels in and the worse she does. I gave up trying to explain her to teachers after her freshman year of highschool.
Highschool was the worst, by the way. I recall actually hoping that she would carry through with her attention seeking threats of suicide just so that the nightmare would end for us all. I had to physically drag her out the door (sometimes half dressed) just to get her to go to school every day.
She would lie to her teachers about me and manipulate everyone around her.
She could not keep friends and to this day has no close friends.
She spends most of her time coming up with new or repeating old ways of constantly annoying me, my husband, or anyone who makes the mistake of spending time with her.
She sabotages job interviews, and we had to put a key lock on our bedroom door ten years ago because if we took away electronics, she would simply take them back when nobody watched.
Like the rest of you, telling her or asking her to do the simplest of tasks, such as brushing her own teeth or throwing away an empty water bottle she left on the counter, often erupted into World War 3. E.v.e.r.y.t.h.I.n.g. was and still is an argument.
When my husband and I interact with her we have to choose our words carefully because she turns things around to annoy – it’s a lot like either constantly being in court or a psyche ward (and she is the patient).
I loathe interacting with my own daughter. I have to walk on eggshells and always be wary of anything I say or do as she will find a way to use it against me later or use it to self-destruct. For instance, if I say “You need to study and do well in school so you can do well as an adult, and not wind up in a homeless shelter.” She will later tell people that her mother says she is going to be homeless ans poor when she grows up. It’s exhausting.
Every time she is told or asked to do something, when she is done arguing, she will ALWAYS find something else that she HAS to do prior to doing what she was told/asked to do.
All I want is for her to move out of my house and start her life.
It seems like she doesn’t want to though, despite saying she does, because she resists getting a job (even though she has worked every summer for the past 4 years), and she is doing nothing to join the military.
I saw 18 and graduation as the light at the end of the tunnel. But it seems like she enjoys torturing us too much – at least more than the prospect of beginning her own adult life.
Husband and I have given her a deadline to either be employed or get out. We bought moving boxes and told her that if she does not meet the deadline and has to leave, whatever she doesn’t pack is being donated to charity. These are the types of concrete consequences we have always had to create and deliver, because she cares nothing for the stress, heartache, financial problems, etc that she causes to us or anyone else. Even her consequences aren’t real until they are. She KNOWS that I will kick her out but she still refuses to go get a job. And when moving day arrives, she will act like a victim and as if it is a total surprise, despite being reminded almost daily.
I do not envy any of you who have ODD children. Please try to prepare for this end game early on (the end game of getting the adult child out of your house).
As getting an official diagnosis does not help in any way at all (other than giving you confirmation and validation that you’re not the crazy one), I would advise to skip that route as you’re limiting their future with any type of mental diagnosis. Take it or leave it – that’s my two cents and I know many will disagree and that’s ok.
I do think that an ODD child is an incredibly CRUEL joke played by Mother Nature on excited and eager new parents.
I feel as if I have been gypped of a real parenting experience. I feel as if the last 18 years of my life have been a living nightmare with brief moments of escape, happiness, or relaxation.
I envy parents who say “Sure, raising children can be tough, but the joy outweighs the tough times,” because I could not ever and still can’t relate to that statement. For me, like all of you, parenting has been my own personal hell. I feel like two decades of my life were stolen from me. My husband calls it abuse – our daughter abusing us psychologically and emotionally.
All I want now, is to transition her out of our house so that I can finally live my life.
I don’t even know who I am even more or how I want to live my life. I just know that anything is better than this.
Isabel,
I am hearing everything you are saying. The diagnosis stuff, I do think, varies from state to state. But I will also say, I had a SEL coordinator at my children’s school confirm for me that the diagnosis does create a stigma for the child in school and for Black and Brown kids it’s not a good idea if you can help it. For us, we have gone outside the school system and the diagnosis came from a child psychiatrist that recommended meds. Now, because my kids are Black and come out of the system, I REFUSED to put my son on meds while the state(s) had control of their lives, their dosage, their therapy, etc. Now that WE have the control, we’re taking the summer to try everything – every drug and alternative therapy the Dr. recommended. Because I can’t live like this. I won’t make it. My beautiful marriage will die because of this, and I can’t allow that. I also feel too justified and too saddened by the joy I get out of taking my son to lunch when he’s 16 and handing him signed emancipated minor papers. This is a sick, sad world they have created around us. I pray you and your husband can find the relief you desperately need and deserve. I hope your daughter finds whatever help you couldn’t find for her somewhere out there in the world – that only God knows.
Michelle et al,
YES! Yes to everything you said! Our younger child (both of whom are full siblings adopted from a traumatic bio home) is a living nightmare! I am in more than a bad place with him: I actually have past dislike for him months ago, and feel like just recently I even past resentment into pure contempt. We worked so hard to adopt them, took so many years, so much trauma to us dealing with the system that claims they want to house children and then treat adoptive parents like there’s suspects. But none of the hardships we went through feel worth it. Everyday he gets more and more purposefully obnoxious and defiant and hopelessly disrespectful. He’s in therapy now, but he’s been in therapy many times and nothing has helped – mostly because we can’t keep his therapists around. His last therapist switched him to in-person despite the pandemic because she finally experienced from him in a session what we experience every day. While she thought she was hiding her frustrations from him, she was not: he was pissing her off to the point where she ended the session early and sent us recommendations of what to do next which was switch to someone who would see him in the office despite the persistence of COVID. There are no adults in his life that are not vexed by his behavior. He used to be able to hold it together in school and not show teachers and staff who is really is, but that’s over now. All his stealing from classmates and teachers, his know-it-all self-important behaviors towards his classmates and his inability to follow basic instructions all create a cocktail of frustration for everyone who knows him. Precious few adults have not verbalized their thoughts that he needs some “old fashioned discipline” for all he puts the family through on a daily basis. While that’s a dead end in terms of a solution to his behavior, it is at least something that other adults see what we see. At least we know we’re not crazy and it’s not us – it’s him. He’s a nightmare and he directs a lot of his ire, disrespect and hostility toward me. Once upon a time mommy was mean to him in a way he’s decided was unjust (which is any time he is asked to be accountable for his behavior) and now she is the enemy of the state. He literally shouts at me: “you are making my life harder!” The irony of that statement is always too much to bear. I’m making HIS life harder. The kid who was lingering for a year and a half in foster care whose parents neglected him so badly he was literally filthy when child services finally came and got them. The parent who fought to ensure he would NEVER have to have visits with those animals. Meanwhile, I married an amazing man that I love dearly. Our marriage was amazing – not perfect, of course – but amazing. We were so happy in our lives and now we’re considering separation in the Fall. I have already started looking for new apartments because I cannot live with this kid anymore. My husband is much more patient with him and therefore can handle him better than I can. I simply do not have the emotional bandwidth to continue in the abusive relationship – that at this point might be seen as symbiotically abusive. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth are horrendous – simply horrible things you shouldn’t say to a child. I know that. It doesn’t make me feel good, it makes everything worse especially my mental health and the status of our home. But there is something about this kid and the way he specifically triggers me and my hatred of bullies and jerks. Some people like my husband can be forgiving and patient. I don’t have that ability – I never have. I feel a compulsion to tell bullies and jerks where to go and how to get there. I spent so many years in my life NOT doing that, that I no longer have the ability to stay silent now. Enter my child. I was never 100% sure that parenthood was for me, and adoption is fraught with its own challenges and second guessing. Add this behavioral issue to the situation and you have a recipe for a hard life. I feel like my life is ruined by this child. Sad part, he knows it….because after a day of nettling, intentionally annoying behavior and public embarrassment, I told him that. That tension and my inability to not respond to his hostility is wearing my husband down. He doesn’t even like me as a person anymore – that’s clear. I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore. I’m in that kind of a dark place. I have been holding onto that feeling every single day of my life without reprieve for 5 years – that he ruined our lives. As terribly as I feel about saying that out loud and directly to him, I am also surprised that I held it in that long.
I am hoping there will be a parent support group where my child has therapy, but we’ll see. In the meantime, I pray for all of you as well that your situations somehow improve, that you find the supports and relief that you desperately need and most certainly deserve.
Oh my goodness. This is all so hard and so so unfair. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share your thoughts and feelings about this. They’re all valid! I hope that you’ll find a therapist for yourself, I have, and it helps. I really resonated with your description of being triggered. I’ve realized through this process of raising him, that I had some very unresolved PTSD that gets triggered when there is too much chaos. And my son represents chaos to me. I always felt like being a mommy was harder for me. I didn’t know or understand why. And now it’s all becoming clear. It IS harder for some of us because of the paths we’ve walked. We don’t have the proper coping mechanisms to handle these children. I never offer advice, because we’ve all heard it all, ad nauseum. I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope you can find some help for your entire family. That’s all we can do. Find help. ❤❤❤
I feel the same with my oldest son. I thought I was reading something I wrote that’s how much I connected to this article. I’m in a very dark place right now my oldest has odd and autism and I swear he has no basic common sense. Im at a loss and don’t know what to do anymore! I’m a single mom too. I feel so alone I’m tired of life and I have no one. His father is useless. I’m just surviving every day trying to do better than the last. But after my mental breakdown yesterday realizing I’m 31 years old and then I look back and realize I’ve done nothing. And my kids have been such a burden in my life I have no friends and neither do they because no one understands them. Or me I could say too. I feel like such a waist and I’m tired every day. I’m glad to see I’m not alone but what the heck is the answer?! Also where I live there is like no resources at all and I don’t have enough money. I’m so tired of this bullshit life. End vent.
All I can do is send you the biggest hug. Most days I’m in no better shape mentally. We’re still in therapy. His ASD eval is next month. We just got back from a trip and I legit had a mini nervous breakdown because I felt trapped. There are lots of Facebook groups also!
You are not alone!!! You’re right people don’t understand. Most of the time peoples answers are to just beat your kid. That’s not the answer. I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every damn day. I feel for you so much. What state are you located in?
I am in such a truly dark place right now, and reading Michelle‘s words about feeling like you’re an abusive relationship, summed it up!I’ve been using that example to my close friends and family for so long, they just don’t get it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for everything you wrote, it makes sense to me. Michelle
Sending hugs and support. We’re out of town, and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. A year later. I wish I had more to offer. ❤❤❤
Good morning all. Look, I’m not a parent (father) who directly has this in my life. However, I do have a girlfriend who is struggling with this and I’d like to help. I don’t know how, though. Having read a lot of your concerns, it seems as though a support group might be somewhat helpful. I, myself, am in AA and it’s what I need to live life. So, I understand the importance of support groups. I know you’re all swamped (swimming, almost drowning), so may I be of assistance in maybe trying to set up a group (zoom or whatever) for you all to get together and discuss? I’d like to help because I see it (well, hear about ODD and ADHD) via my gf who I love dearly but can’t expend energy to me because she’s got her hands full with one of these children. What can I do as an advocate to your cause for help?
Thank you so much for your comment. Pretty amazing that you’re trying to help!
Hi Michelle,
I have been scouring the internet looking for a support group for parents of children with ODD. My son is a bit older now but i have still have trauma flashbacks and am still walking on egg shells never knowing what his reaction will be. if you are interested in starting a weekly/ biweekly online zoom support group. Please message me directly. I watched the latest episode of New Amsterdam on television this week where there was a support group in this episode that i so felt i could resonate with.
I really really really could use some mom friends/support right now. There isn’t much locally here unless you want your business around town and to be judged by everyone. I’m losing it. I love my kiddo so much I just feel awful I can’t fix this.
WOW to finally hear other parents are having the same problems. I am not a horrible person but I can not take anymore of the constant barrage of negativity. I am a single parent. My son is 11. The behavior increased when school started. Six years of this and I am now wishing I was not a mom. I have no life. My friends have dwindled to nothing. My son does not have friends because of his impulses. It is just a revolving door. Not one single doctor or counselor will help and yes I have asked PLEASE help me. Give me an outlet PLEASE. I think the online group chat may be the first time someone has even suggested something for ME.
Is there a way we can all get in contact like maybe via email?! I’m also a single mother dealing with the same! I felt so alone until I found this page last night.
I feel the same with my oldest son. He has odd and autism and I swear he has no basic common sense. Im at a loss and don’t know what to do anymore! I’m a single mom too.
I would love to start a group also. Zoom, chats, texts, email exchanges. I think anything would help us all trade information and provide actual support and understanding. How can we trade contact info?
Hi! Gosh, I’m so so sorry. I wish so much that there was a garaunteed happy ending. I’ve found a lot of support and understanding on some of the Facebook ADHD/ODD support groups. I would definitely try those. People on there get it. Xo
Hi! I think something like that would be great and would highly recommend checking out the Facebook Support groups! I still haven’t been able to organize something locally, but I think the Facebook groups are a great alternative!
I also feel alone, hopeless, helpless, completely inept as a parent and at the end of my rope with my ADHD/ODD 9 year old. I too have been searching for a parents of ODD support group. I would LOVE to be a part of that. Please provide info or reach out if you want to do it. I don’t care if it’s just 2 of us. Anyone who understands what I go through will be a lifeline.
Omg ive been dealing with exactly the same things. Sadly cps has got called way to many times and now because i didn’t cave and give my 6yr son what he wanted on mothers day, he went to school told them i used a belt the week before. There was 3 tiny yellowish bruises on his buttocks and lower back. We live in a income bases apartment full of unsupervised refugee children that hit each other with twigs. No matted how many times i would throw them in the dumpster all the kids manage to find them and swing them including my son. Long story short ive begged and pleated with each cps call on me and called my mom crying and saying i cant do it anymore. Cps took my son and now i am being put off by cps on what i need to do to get him home. This is horrible feeling of failure ive ever felt. That it comes to him being removed to come to my rescue. Not to sound horrible but grocery shopping turns into a nightmare. Saying i need to do anything to my son about bedtime, needing to go get something. Anything if i tell him now im in a horror flick. Ive came out to notes on my car saying maybe if i talk to my son nicer, etc there isnt enough words to explain everything. But now im in a situation i possibly will not get my child back. Every thing has waiting list to do. Where i live is in jeopardy and no one seems to care. My past use of mj keeps coming up. Which is unfair i was depressed and feeling worthless as my son got older and more difficult to parent. I can’t help but feel this is all my fault. Thank you for sharing your life i know its hard for me i can only imagine anyone else having difficulty.
Wow, this is me to a T. We have known something was off with his sleeplessness and overactivity from being a baby. Not one single childproofing item could contain this baby boy! He is now 7. Mine however, does not behave at school either. We have stealing, threatening, lying. He has kicked MULTIPLE teachers at school. I do find myself crying at times and wondering where I went wrong and just feeling immensely guilty. My daughter which will be 6 soon (14months apart) has front row tickets to all this, and it kills me. Like he is on medicine but it doesn’t seem to help. He admits he is too big for rules. It is like he has lived another life and has an old soul. Never been one to play with toys much, but always into everything that isnt his. His #1 want on Santa’s list …a robot sweeper. We go to dollar tree and he wants a padlock. Just bizarre and I dont know what to make of things nor do I know if we are on the right path. I just don’t want things to get worse. So good to hear there are other people out there that can relate, but I do wish none of us had this behavior near us to relate about.
me too!!!! I always felt so guilty amd horribly punished by my child, the only one ill be able to ever have due to how hes been since he could walk which was 9 months. I have wondered which day in walmart i would get baker acted trying to grocery shop with my terrorist son, whom i love more than the air i breathe every day and is beautiful, way too intelligent and as sweet as he can be at times.
My gosh. I could have written this, only my child is nearing 13 and is far worse now. We’ve seen countless doctors, tried countless medications and therapies. When he was younger it was still easier. Now he’s more defiant and rejects therapy. He just sits and refuses to speak or just makes things up. He makes it a game now. He takes the medications we give him (mostly) but begrudgingly, and most only work a short time before we are onto a new one. He’s been through psychological testing multiple times. His latest was severe ADHD hyperactive and impulsive type. ODD, anxiety, depression, and some early signs of avoidant personality disorder. The rageful fits he had as a toddler have ramped right up as a pre-teen with 12 being his worst year yet. Our entire family is exhausted. I’ve contemplated suicide though I’d never actually hurt myself. I love my family too much. It’s just miserable escapism because I feel trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle of stress, shame, fear and anxiety. I found this article tonight because I googled, “please tell me this hellish teen stage of ADHD passes”. I really am at my wit’s end. When he reject trying literally anything, what else can be done?
I truly hope the author and all those in the comment find their way through their children’s ODD journey. <3
0h my I thought I was cursed now I know I’m being tested.I pray my lord I do the right things because I’m so tired!
Nisha,
Praying for strength for your heart. Father, We thank you so much for being allowed to experience the beauty of motherhood. We do not understand why our families are going through this and why our precious children have such anger in their hearts. God, please strengthen us so that we can stand when we feel so beaten down. Strengthen us so that we can lift our eyes up to you again and again when we feel so hopeless. Pour your spirit into us so that we can be your Love and your strength for our children and families.
In Jesus’ name.
Amen
Julie,
I 100% get every single thing you said. I have searched for support through ADHD and Autism groups, but I always feel like there is still no one who really understands what MY family is dealing with.
I can tell that you and some of these other Mamas commenting here are dealing with EXACTLY the same thing. I am sending love to you all. I’m so sorry your family is going through this.
If I can’t find a way to get together with you ladies, I will definitely be searching for an O.D.D. support group.
Finding the right therapist is a lifesaver. My daughter was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 4. A very good pediatrician referred us after a discussion of trouble sleeping since birth and regular outbursts that started cropping up. Progress has been slow and steady. We specifically see an art therapist, which I think is really helpful for smaller kids. Hang in there. You are definitely not alone. The only “advice” I could ever give is to try and find a good therapist to help. Consider getting a separate therapist for just yourself and your own sessions too!
I’m sitting here crying wondering what the heck I did wrong as a mom, as I search “how to survive life with an ODD child.” My kiddo is 10yo and for YEARS we have walked on those same proverbial eggshells. Today was our first time sitting in a therapist’s office after I finally accepted that my kid needs help and I can’t give it to him. I’m worn down and weary feeling like every * single * day I am getting out of bed to enter the battle field. I homeschool and have no reprieve, so this is my 24/7 reality. COVID isolation and changes have only exacerbated all of it internally for him. Then add to it a VERY recent celiac disease diagnosis. I’m in the trenches too, and I’m just here to say thank you for making me not feel so alone.
My best unsolicited advice. As hard as all of this is, and even with Covid, try your absolute best to surround yourself with a network of people that you can call when you need a break. Some days feel so dark and hopeless. Some days, the only things we can do is just walk away. That has been the lifesaver for us. We enlisted the help of sitting services, family and former daycare teachers. Teachers at special needs schools, or people who have worked in a facility for neurodiverse children. Take care of yourself! Hugs!
God bless you in your hurdle’s to to overcome.
I found this article today and I couldn’t help but cry because now I know that I am not the only mom who feels this way. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD when he was 5 years old. Like your son, he is an angel at school with no behavioral issues. Our sons like they are two peas in a pod. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE
🙂
Thank you for your article. I have a 10 year old son diagnosed and ADHD, anxiety and DMDD. We, as well, have great behavior at school, like you. The further I read on your article, the less guilty I felt about the similar feelings I’ve had lately about being home on snow days and weekends and dreading them. I just keep telling myself that God never gives me more than I can handle. Hang in there!
This is just what I needed to read today. My son is almost 6 and he can be the best little boy but my god…things can turn bad quick. It could be something as simple as saying I can poor your milk for you and he will flip. Destroys his room, screams for 30 minutes – goes into a manic state. This happens several times a day. It’s exhausting and sad – I feel like I’m deal with two individuals. One I absolutely love and another I’m terrified of.
My grandson is almost 5 and has been diagnosed with ODD and ADD as a grandparent who works full time I am at a loss as to how I can help
It is heartbreaking to hear my daughter talk about what goes on all the time
holy wow. I just found this blog in a moment of such despair. thank you Michelle. Please do start a blog, please do. Thank you to everyone on this thread, it feels so lonely and scary and now I have a ton of things to google and research. and I know I am not alone.
So today I cried At the new headmaster. I rarely cry, I broke down with concerns over my son’s behaviors. worry that he isn’t coping in the current lockdown. worry that his violent behavior is becoming worse and I don’t know how to stop or help him. THIS IS HARD. I love him more than I could Ever explain or show. I wonder with huge Guilt if I did this to him or made him this way. this is O.D.D (i think)..
I too am a struggling with a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. She is 8, and my middle child. Everyday is a struggle! My oldest daughter is 13, and my youngest is my 6 year old son. And I feel guilty, because my middle takes up so much of my time, and they are often around when she has her meltdowns. I have been a single mom for years now. We currently live with my boyfriend of 2 years now, and it my daughters ADHD/ODD affects our relationship, significantly, he has 2 of his own, and doesn’t understand. I dont have any friends out here, and am basically at my wits end, trying to find some kind of support group or someone to talk to that understands. This article was super good!
Hang in there !
I also enjoyed reading this very much! I now know that I’m really not alone!
Thank you!!! Just knowing there are people out there who also experience this is so validating. Some days are just mind bending. I would LOVE to come to a support group, even from Raleigh! Please keep me posted if you set anything up. 🙂
My son has ADHD and I’ve been seeing the symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder and it’s making me worry.
Omg did your blog hit it on the head. My husband and I got into a “discussion” about his daughter (my step-daughter) last night because of her ODD behavior and it is the most horrible thing I’ve ever endured in my life. Especially since she’s a step-child, it brings on even more. My husband feeling at a loss because she’s so awful to all of us but mainly me. If you set up any virtual support group or Facebook group? I’m in!
Trying to get a diagnosis for what seems to be ODD, most days for over a year my daughter has said she wants to kill me (and eat me). She is 5 now, I know she isn’t going to try, but society doesn’t always give you that room for nuance… so I worry will she be perfect at school someday, will she be locked up for the horrible things she says?
Been to a lot of parenting classes that don’t help us, perhaps they do work for standard minds, but not us.
Looking for any books that would possibly help. The Explosive Child helped somewhat, helped me change my perspective, but not the behavior. My ODD child is the oldest and I have so much guilt the baby doesn’t get to go to the few places we could go to, because I can not deal with the melt downs in public anymore, I’ve become too worn down to carry both kids. Just tried to grocery shop today, that was a mistake, had to carry her out screaming and hitting at 5 just like at 3 and 2…
You are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings, your guilt, your hopelessness, your mental decline, your tears or anything else. Reading this I felt like you lived at my house and were writing about my life. It’s almost scary to think that I birthed a human being that gets mad and calls me a b**ch at age 6. Abusive in every form and yet so loving. Everyday is like 50 first dates with a twist. Just to wake up and say “good morning” could mean war, yet when he calms down and resembles a little boy with tears in his eyes, all I can do is cry because I don’t know how to comfort him when he’s the Incredible Hulk. Thank you for this post. I still don’t have any answers but at least now I know that when I cry, I’m not the only one.
My 11 yr old daughter has had ODD since she was able to talk. I have felt abused, sad, depressed, angry, and even suicidal from guilt and hopelessness. As a person who was abused as a child this behavior brings up many negative thoughts and can be so isolating. It is helpful to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your candid story.
I googled this in hopes to find a blog. So thank you. You have shared my story completely. Hell on earth and we have such little support. So little help still. I hope to hang out here and see if you have found any relief
Michelle, I am so proud of you for taking the step to connect with people who can relate. You all are like family to me now. I have watched your angel grow with these behaviors that I myself could not understand when you told me he did at home until I saw the videos. He is so sweet to me and I love him dearly. As I know now that’s another part of him. Nevertheless don’t give up and always love your baby no matter what. I am here if you need me. Talk soon.
🙌 Oh my goodness, I love this so much. I’ve said several times already during this social distancing period that this is nothing new for my family. I feel like we’ve been practicing social distancing for 10 years now. The only difference here is my daughter has explosive impulse behavior. I’m not 100% sure what the difference is b/c if I’m honest, it all feels the same. We went through a sweet period where I thought things were improving and then all the sudden last spring it’s like she’s three years old again and non verbal, except she clearly has the negative words down pat. I worry that the wrong person will hear her and report us. I mean the story about the little girl in Florida not so long ago, could be my life. My husband and I say ALL the time that no one truly understands and its so hard. Our wonderful developmental pediatrician is amazing and constantly assures us we’re doing everything right but I still feel like we’re failing. Failing my typical developing child as well as our ASD child. My poor eight year old has the most boring life and she knows it. Occassionally she’ll look at me and ask “can I just say stupid please, because this is stupid”. We monitor everything in our house and somehow we’re still struggling with the aggression and words, the words sometimes are worse than the physical aggression. I don’t even know where she hears some of these things. Its exhausting knowing that I’m doing my best limit her exposure to negativity but somehow she still aquires it. I live in a small community and think all the time that I need to start a support group but there’s no one else who has a child like mine in the close areas. I am part of several FB support groups but like so many other things on FB its hit or miss. Some of these moms who claim to be experiencing the same things are down right mean and judgmental. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hugs and Prayers to momma, I know you’re doing an amazing job with him!
My son is now 11. He was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 4. By the time he was six the diagnosis turned to DMDD. I could literally write a book on my journey. It was filled with many tears, frustration, anger, resentment, and hopelessness. Giving up was never an option. I knew as a single mom to a brown boy I was running against the clock. I knew that if my son did not get the appropriate intervention I would eventually lose him to the juvenile justice system and that was only going to happen over my dead body. I’ve been to countless IEP meetings my son has been to five schools because I refused to let him stay at a place where he is not being helped/not welcomed. It became my mission to literally save his life. I took many parenting classes, we did lots of therapy, psychiatry, and medication. I was relentless with the school system. It took many years but I’m proud to say that in January 2020 he was mainstreamed into a regular class and has had little to no behavioral issues. Don’t let anybody tell you that this is it. The great thing about oppositional defiant disorder is that it isn’t a mood disorder per se… It is a behavioral/conduct disorder and it can be adequately treated with appropriate behavioral interventions. I advocated for an ABA therapist and eventually the school system brought one in but even then it required me to stay completely on top of them. I’ve been there… Where are you don’t see an end in sight and I feel robbed of so many years with my son because of it but I’m glad to say but all the suffering was worth it. In my desperation I came across an advocate that helped me understand how the school system really works When it comes to children with behavioral challenges. USF HotDocs, positive tools for parenting, PBS, ABA therapy, parent child interaction therapy (PCIT). My single biggest struggle was getting through to the school system. If you can’t get them on board it will be very challenging. As of right now my son no longer has a diagnosis of ODD or DMDD, he only has a diagnosis of ADHD… I can’t tell you if it’s because he grew out of it or because all of the interventions worked. I do agree there definitely isn’t a support group for this but often times connecting to those people taking the same parenting classes you can help. Constantly reminding yourself that your child’s behavior at school should never dictate your relationship with your child is also vital. Stay strong.
Daisy, thank you so much for your message. It’s amazing what an amazing advocate and mom you’ve been for your son. What an amazing story you have to share. And how wonderful that he’s now in a mainstream education class. Amazing! Thank you again and best of luck.
Yes! This! We don’t have a diagnosis other than ADHD but I feel like I now know what to call it! I jokingly call him bipolar because he will flip from angel to demon if his hot dog is cooked wrong (any little thing). Absolute eggshells. And of course he’s an angel at school.
My son being an angel at school and only oppositional with us was absolutely maddening. I started taking videos to show his pediatrician and his teachers bc I felt like I was crazy. Of course, when he caught me videoing, it made it 1000 times worse. Ugh. Please feel free to reach out any time ! Nolegirlmitch on IG !
I am so sorry, Michelle. No fabulous words of deep wisdom, unfortunately, but definitely sending strength and compassion.
Thank you so much!
Omg! I just love reading through this blog, and the comments… I am in tears… my son is 9 and though I have tried every outlet, we are still alone… I say that with tears in my eyes… we are alone! He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at 5 we are at 9, he beats me down and calls me every name in the book… but I love him. He is mine. As the neighborhood kids play he is often grounded for being unruly put there, and not one of these parents care what I am going through.. no one reaches put unless to complain… my family is alone in This fight and love battle. I am so happy I found your blog. I am loosing it over here and I am so glad there are families going through the same thing, because I feel so alone on all this. So so alone.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Thank you so much for this post. My son is 7 and has been oppositionally defiant since 15 months. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD – as was I – and his ODD symptoms have worsened with the pandemic stress and frequent changes in schedule. It feels like no one understands, because it’s only at home that he terrorizes us. I’ve used the Jekyll & Hyde and Bruce Banner & Hulk analogies, too, because it’s like two different kids when he is doing something that he wants to and when we ask anything of him.
We recently started him on Ritalin, and I think it’s making him aggressive. He defied me all day when he was supposed to be doing virtual school. Tonight he kept trying to lunge at and bite his dad, little sister, and me. He was like a rabid animal, and it really scared me.
I’m in tears and despairing because we are spending so many resources on him and I don’t know if and when things will improve. I wasn’t able to do any work for my job today because I was battling him. I’m so tired and feeling grateful to read this post and the comments. Sending love and hope to all of you. It helps to know that you get it.
Michelle, thank you so much for being candid, real, and painfully eloquent in speaking the truth of this disorder. For the first time in years I feel like someone understands my life. Tears…every. single. word. Exactly…it’s like living in an abusive relationship but you can’t leave the abuser. My now 11 year old, was diagnosed at 5…although I knew something else was going on with him even as a baby/toddler. I would LOVE to be a part of a support group of some kind and appreciate you reaching out to others about this. ❤️
Hi! I have been thinking of starting a group! Even if it’s just dinner and drinks with people who understand. I’m not on Facebook, but I friend requested you on IG to try and connect. Thank you so much for your sweet comment.
I am going through a lot of this with my child. Everyone thinks its lack of discipline or that I don’t have enough time to teach him to behave. I the process of trying to write this I have been slapped, and head butted. We are waiting on testing to get the diagnosis but I have known that something is not right. I am not on Instagram
I dealt with other people blaming us for our parenting for years. And they’re wrong. We’re still in therapy to learn how to parent this child. That’s all any of us can do. Keep talking, keep trying to get help.
Thank you. He just turned 4 and we were just referred for testing when the world went into chaos
You are not alone..trust me!! I felt the same way with my daughter. My daughter was originally diagnosed at 6 with ADHD, Anxiety, and ODD. Then diagnosed by another team of doctors with ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD, and DMDD. DMDD and ODD go hand in hand and have alot of the same traits. I use to cry everyday and dread for the next day because I knew exactly how horrible it was going to be. She is currently in therapy and on medication as well. There are support groups on facebook with parents who have children with ODD which might help you. If you ever need someone to talk to or just need to vent, please reach out to me.
Keely, thank you so much! I honestly had to Google dmdd by I wasn’t family with it. Wow, does seem so similar. I appreciate so much your offer and I hope that when this is all over I can use this forum to get some of us together to have a nice support group.
I’m really looking forward to starting something as soon as we can meet in person! So glad you found me! I’m always here to listen.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this article. I truly appreciate the insight you shared into your daily life, and my heart breaks for your family. I think it is a great wake up call to some of the trivial problems I complain about with my kids, especially during this time of isolation. I hope that someone who can relate is able to read this and start a support group with you!
Thank you, Rachel! Always appreciate your kind and thoughtful words of support!
I read this and started bawling, it’s such a relief to know I’m not alone. My 9 year old step daughter has ADHD and ODD. She was diagnosed in December. Unfortunately her mother just had a new baby and doesn’t see a need to follow any of the psychologists recommendations for psychotherapy or for parenting support groups etc.
My husband tries but due to being in the same position often shuts down as his way of coping.
I do feel like I’m in an abusive relationship some days.
I love her so much, and I go through a cycle of feeling guilty when I’m not at 100% and than I beat myself up for not being a good step mom because she’s just a kid but some days it’s so hard. Some days I have panic attacks in the bathroom. I dread our sleepover weekends because bedtime has been a fight for years.
Sometimes it drains me of everything I have. The fighting, the walking on eggshells.
Thank you For sharing. I really needed to read this today!
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this! I can’t wait for things to settle and we can all get together, and have some GIANT glasses of wine! I will absolutely use this forum to let everyone know! Hugs to all!
You are my VOICE TODAY😓
I am also a mom with a child with ADHD and ODD. My son who is now 10 was diagnosed early on and I have been trying to get help for years!
I’ve tried therapy an psychiatrists…everyday is a struggle and I’m at a point to where I can barely keep it together. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Nothing I say or do works. I too need a support group!
I was really moved by this post. Thank you so much for sharing your struggle. I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. It sounds incredibly stressful. I think there’s power in numbers and sharing stories and I know you are not alone. I hope the comments from others helped give you encouragement and strength. I too can relate. Not as the biological parent, but the partner of someone who has a son with ADHD and ODD traits. While pregnant. During a pandemic. With a hyperactive puppy and cats that do not get along. It is hard. I pray for us all to have the strength and peace we need to get through our days and I hope we can all find some joy in our lives amidst the struggle.
Thank you all so so much for your support. Here we are, a year later, and today was a hard day. I was hit, had a remote thrown at me, and watched my son urinate himself most of the day. I feel so fortunate that this blog has helped me feel less alone. ❤❤❤