By Guest Blogger Michelle Griffith
My 5.5 year old boy was recently diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. I think by now, most people are familiar with ADHD. ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder might be a term you’re not so familiar with. A quick Google search defines ODD as: an ongoing pattern of behavior that is characterized by anger, irritability, as well as argumentative and defiant behavior towards those in authoritative positions. I’m guessing that sounds like every 3, 4 and maybe 5 year old out there to you, right? Well, not so much.
If you go on to read further, this behavior can be something that kids only exhibit at home or at school, maybe not both. Also, it lasts for a long time, and happens quite frequently. More so than your typical child, even toddlers, as crazy as they are. And this is where I’d like share my story of being a mother to a child with ODD.
Before I tell this from my point of view, or use the analogies I’ve been using, please let it be known that I am in no way shape or form trying to demean or diminish or make light of any type of abusive situation. I, myself, have never been in an abusive romantic relationship, nor was I abused as a child. That being said, when I describe to friends or family or coworkers what it’s like living in my home with my 5 year old, those are the words I find myself using quite frequently. “I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with him”.
Let me be clear on what I mean. And before I divulge what is my truth, ugly as it may be, I encourage you to please not judge unless you’ve walked in these shoes. These are very hard truths. Truths that are hard to even admit to oneself.
Most days of the week at this point, I dread getting out of bed to start our day. I dread coming home at night. I dread the most simple of tasks with him. I find it difficult to go into much with a positive attitude, because, quite honestly, I’ve been emotionally beat down. I dread social encounters, outings, etc. I dread staying home with him. I am filled with anxiety at the thought of being by myself with him. I can’t remember the last time I had a “fun” time with him. My life consists of walking on proverbial eggshells, never knowing what will set him off.
You see, with ODD, outbursts, screaming, fighting, and the like can occur at the drop of a hat. One minute, they’re hugging you, the next you’re dodging toys, and listening to blood curdling screams because you asked them to throw something away. And this goes on all day. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
Weekends are the worst. It’s such an ugly cycle. You go into the weekend with sometimes medium to high expectations. You hear your coworkers and friends talk about how they love to spend weekends with their kids. You think to yourself, “Gosh, I’m such a horrible mom, I dread the weekends because I have to be home with my child, what’s WRONG with me”? And then things are bad, and you cry. And you feel so angry, and sad, and resentful. And hurt. You’re so hurt, that the next time your child wants to be with you, hug you, love you, it’s hard. Because you’re a human being with feelings, and it’s hard to let go. So then, you feel guilty. You feel guilty that you resent this child that you do love SO much, but that you don’t feel like “liking.” And then you find yourself pulling away. Because you’re scared of those feelings. So, somewhere, in the back of your psyche, subconsciously, you pull away. Shut down. Try not to feel because it’s too much. You feel alone. Isolated. People don’t understand. You’re even at the point that when someone says, “Hope you guys have a great time/weekend/day,” you feel angry. They’ve said nothing wrong, but in the back of your mind, you’re thinking, “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH”? But, they don’t really know, do they?
The kick of all of this, at least for me, is that my child is an angel at school. And that’s where I started using the analogy of an abusive relationship. From the outside, things look OK. Here’s this beautiful, thoughtful, highly intelligent little boy, who follows all the rules at school. Literally never gets in trouble. Is friends with everyone in class, and is generous and caring. At home, that same child can be verbally mean, physically abusive, manipulative, and so defiant that asking anything of them is almost pointless. So, people think you’re overreacting. That you’re just overly sensitive to normal childhood behavior. And you start to think that maybe you are crazy. Not good enough. Inadequate. That it’s your fault. And this goes on for years.
Until finally, finally someone (a doctor) gives you the diagnosis. You’ve known all along that something wasn’t quite right. But these things take a while you see, for the reasons I stated above. There’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation going on. And nobody sees. And you can convince yourself that nobody cares and that you’re not going to make it. And if I’m being honest, I’m feeling like that most days.
This story doesn’t have a happy ending yet. It’s not even close to being finished.
Right now, we’re in the trenches. Fighting every day, living our truth, being honest, getting help, and doing what we need to do to survive. For us, that’s medicine, and therapy. Exercise. Using social media to connect to others going through this. And help. Lots of help.
As of right now I haven’t been able to find a support group locally for this, so maybe I’ll start my own? Right now, I’m treading water, and sometimes find it overwhelming to do anything more, so we’ll see. I hope this reaches some people that are maybe struggling like I am. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Hearing the words, “I know what you’re going through” have such enormous power. As humans, we strive for a sense of community. Hoping I can find mine through outlets like this.
Can you relate? Do you have words of encouragement for Michelle? If so, please leave a comment below!
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You are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings, your guilt, your hopelessness, your mental decline, your tears or anything else. Reading this I felt like you lived at my house and were writing about my life. It’s almost scary to think that I birthed a human being that gets mad and calls me a b**ch at age 6. Abusive in every form and yet so loving. Everyday is like 50 first dates with a twist. Just to wake up and say “good morning” could mean war, yet when he calms down and resembles a little boy with tears in his eyes, all I can do is cry because I don’t know how to comfort him when he’s the Incredible Hulk. Thank you for this post. I still don’t have any answers but at least now I know that when I cry, I’m not the only one.
My 11 yr old daughter has had ODD since she was able to talk. I have felt abused, sad, depressed, angry, and even suicidal from guilt and hopelessness. As a person who was abused as a child this behavior brings up many negative thoughts and can be so isolating. It is helpful to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your candid story.
Michelle, I am so proud of you for taking the step to connect with people who can relate. You all are like family to me now. I have watched your angel grow with these behaviors that I myself could not understand when you told me he did at home until I saw the videos. He is so sweet to me and I love him dearly. As I know now that’s another part of him. Nevertheless don’t give up and always love your baby no matter what. I am here if you need me. Talk soon.
🙌 Oh my goodness, I love this so much. I’ve said several times already during this social distancing period that this is nothing new for my family. I feel like we’ve been practicing social distancing for 10 years now. The only difference here is my daughter has explosive impulse behavior. I’m not 100% sure what the difference is b/c if I’m honest, it all feels the same. We went through a sweet period where I thought things were improving and then all the sudden last spring it’s like she’s three years old again and non verbal, except she clearly has the negative words down pat. I worry that the wrong person will hear her and report us. I mean the story about the little girl in Florida not so long ago, could be my life. My husband and I say ALL the time that no one truly understands and its so hard. Our wonderful developmental pediatrician is amazing and constantly assures us we’re doing everything right but I still feel like we’re failing. Failing my typical developing child as well as our ASD child. My poor eight year old has the most boring life and she knows it. Occassionally she’ll look at me and ask “can I just say stupid please, because this is stupid”. We monitor everything in our house and somehow we’re still struggling with the aggression and words, the words sometimes are worse than the physical aggression. I don’t even know where she hears some of these things. Its exhausting knowing that I’m doing my best limit her exposure to negativity but somehow she still aquires it. I live in a small community and think all the time that I need to start a support group but there’s no one else who has a child like mine in the close areas. I am part of several FB support groups but like so many other things on FB its hit or miss. Some of these moms who claim to be experiencing the same things are down right mean and judgmental. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hugs and Prayers to momma, I know you’re doing an amazing job with him!
My son is now 11. He was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 4. By the time he was six the diagnosis turned to DMDD. I could literally write a book on my journey. It was filled with many tears, frustration, anger, resentment, and hopelessness. Giving up was never an option. I knew as a single mom to a brown boy I was running against the clock. I knew that if my son did not get the appropriate intervention I would eventually lose him to the juvenile justice system and that was only going to happen over my dead body. I’ve been to countless IEP meetings my son has been to five schools because I refused to let him stay at a place where he is not being helped/not welcomed. It became my mission to literally save his life. I took many parenting classes, we did lots of therapy, psychiatry, and medication. I was relentless with the school system. It took many years but I’m proud to say that in January 2020 he was mainstreamed into a regular class and has had little to no behavioral issues. Don’t let anybody tell you that this is it. The great thing about oppositional defiant disorder is that it isn’t a mood disorder per se… It is a behavioral/conduct disorder and it can be adequately treated with appropriate behavioral interventions. I advocated for an ABA therapist and eventually the school system brought one in but even then it required me to stay completely on top of them. I’ve been there… Where are you don’t see an end in sight and I feel robbed of so many years with my son because of it but I’m glad to say but all the suffering was worth it. In my desperation I came across an advocate that helped me understand how the school system really works When it comes to children with behavioral challenges. USF HotDocs, positive tools for parenting, PBS, ABA therapy, parent child interaction therapy (PCIT). My single biggest struggle was getting through to the school system. If you can’t get them on board it will be very challenging. As of right now my son no longer has a diagnosis of ODD or DMDD, he only has a diagnosis of ADHD… I can’t tell you if it’s because he grew out of it or because all of the interventions worked. I do agree there definitely isn’t a support group for this but often times connecting to those people taking the same parenting classes you can help. Constantly reminding yourself that your child’s behavior at school should never dictate your relationship with your child is also vital. Stay strong.
Daisy, thank you so much for your message. It’s amazing what an amazing advocate and mom you’ve been for your son. What an amazing story you have to share. And how wonderful that he’s now in a mainstream education class. Amazing! Thank you again and best of luck.
Yes! This! We don’t have a diagnosis other than ADHD but I feel like I now know what to call it! I jokingly call him bipolar because he will flip from angel to demon if his hot dog is cooked wrong (any little thing). Absolute eggshells. And of course he’s an angel at school.
My son being an angel at school and only oppositional with us was absolutely maddening. I started taking videos to show his pediatrician and his teachers bc I felt like I was crazy. Of course, when he caught me videoing, it made it 1000 times worse. Ugh. Please feel free to reach out any time ! Nolegirlmitch on IG !
I am so sorry, Michelle. No fabulous words of deep wisdom, unfortunately, but definitely sending strength and compassion.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Michelle, thank you so much for being candid, real, and painfully eloquent in speaking the truth of this disorder. For the first time in years I feel like someone understands my life. Tears…every. single. word. Exactly…it’s like living in an abusive relationship but you can’t leave the abuser. My now 11 year old, was diagnosed at 5…although I knew something else was going on with him even as a baby/toddler. I would LOVE to be a part of a support group of some kind and appreciate you reaching out to others about this. ❤️
Hi! I have been thinking of starting a group! Even if it’s just dinner and drinks with people who understand. I’m not on Facebook, but I friend requested you on IG to try and connect. Thank you so much for your sweet comment.
I am going through a lot of this with my child. Everyone thinks its lack of discipline or that I don’t have enough time to teach him to behave. I the process of trying to write this I have been slapped, and head butted. We are waiting on testing to get the diagnosis but I have known that something is not right. I am not on Instagram
I dealt with other people blaming us for our parenting for years. And they’re wrong. We’re still in therapy to learn how to parent this child. That’s all any of us can do. Keep talking, keep trying to get help.
Thank you. He just turned 4 and we were just referred for testing when the world went into chaos
You are not alone..trust me!! I felt the same way with my daughter. My daughter was originally diagnosed at 6 with ADHD, Anxiety, and ODD. Then diagnosed by another team of doctors with ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD, and DMDD. DMDD and ODD go hand in hand and have alot of the same traits. I use to cry everyday and dread for the next day because I knew exactly how horrible it was going to be. She is currently in therapy and on medication as well. There are support groups on facebook with parents who have children with ODD which might help you. If you ever need someone to talk to or just need to vent, please reach out to me.
Keely, thank you so much! I honestly had to Google dmdd by I wasn’t family with it. Wow, does seem so similar. I appreciate so much your offer and I hope that when this is all over I can use this forum to get some of us together to have a nice support group.
I’m really looking forward to starting something as soon as we can meet in person! So glad you found me! I’m always here to listen.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this article. I truly appreciate the insight you shared into your daily life, and my heart breaks for your family. I think it is a great wake up call to some of the trivial problems I complain about with my kids, especially during this time of isolation. I hope that someone who can relate is able to read this and start a support group with you!
Thank you, Rachel! Always appreciate your kind and thoughtful words of support!
I read this and started bawling, it’s such a relief to know I’m not alone. My 9 year old step daughter has ADHD and ODD. She was diagnosed in December. Unfortunately her mother just had a new baby and doesn’t see a need to follow any of the psychologists recommendations for psychotherapy or for parenting support groups etc.
My husband tries but due to being in the same position often shuts down as his way of coping.
I do feel like I’m in an abusive relationship some days.
I love her so much, and I go through a cycle of feeling guilty when I’m not at 100% and than I beat myself up for not being a good step mom because she’s just a kid but some days it’s so hard. Some days I have panic attacks in the bathroom. I dread our sleepover weekends because bedtime has been a fight for years.
Sometimes it drains me of everything I have. The fighting, the walking on eggshells.
Thank you For sharing. I really needed to read this today!
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this! I can’t wait for things to settle and we can all get together, and have some GIANT glasses of wine! I will absolutely use this forum to let everyone know! Hugs to all!