By Guest Blogger Bethany Godwin LCMHC, PMH-C
This time of year can be bittersweet for many, grieving those that are no longer with us while experiencing the holiday season can be challenging. A sentimental time of year universally, memories of past years and traditions lasting many generations, awaken the longing we have for the people we love. If you find yourself at a loss for coping with the holiday season, here are a few ideas to keep in mind.
Lean Into the Grief
There are many secondary losses we experience when losing a loved one, these are losses associated with experiences, roles, tasks, identity, etc. The holiday season experience without our loved ones is often considered a secondary loss. The grief casts a shadow over the holiday joy we might have felt before, the traditions we often participated in do not feel the same anymore. We grieve the loss of the holiday experiences we have had. To avoid this grief, we may want to ignore it, it feels “too negative” to be sad this time of year. This forcefulness to push away the grief usually backfires. Finding a way to incorporate our grief into our lives this time of year, will help us to honor our loved ones and memories while allowing space for new memories and joy. Permit yourself to grieve, you’ve lost someone, and it makes sense to miss them at any time, but especially during the holiday season.
The Basics of Self-Care
Grieving can be very hard on the body, mind, and spirit. It can take a toll on our wellbeing; the impacts of grief and the busy schedules of November and December can leave us feeling burned out easily. Remember the basics of self-care to fuel your body and care for your mind. Prioritize sleep, nutrition, rest, and physical needs. If our physical body is tense, exhausted, in pain, and depleted of energy…..our mind will struggle, impacting our emotions and our ability to regulate them. Have you ever noticed that you’re more likely to be upset easily if you haven’t slept well and you’re hungry? These are the basics of self-care and are easy to forget when our mind is distracted by grief. Caring for yourself may look like saying “no” to people, getting to bed earlier, drinking more water, stretching your body, or getting a massage. Making intentional decisions to pour into yourself can only be beneficial, as you navigate your grief during the holiday season.
Honor Your Loved One
Psychologist J. William Worden provides us with a framework for understanding the grief process. In his theoretical concept, “The Four Tasks of Mourning”, he identifies a task that we must find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. How do we connect with our loved ones and remember them, while also living our life and moving forward? This task sits boldly in front of us during the holiday season, as we are faced with having to live in the present, while also remembering those we have lost and the previous life we miss. This part of our grief process is wildly unique, each person and each family may have different ideas on how to honor their loved one during this time of year. You may decide to contribute to a local charity they loved, put out a particular decoration that reminds you of them, a new ornament to symbolize their life, cook a favorite dish of theirs, etc. This task is especially important for us during the holidays, as we long to connect with our loved ones while we embrace the current experience of the season. It is a task that also helps us to outwardly express our grief and to show others how important our loved one was, and still is.
I encourage you during this time of year to give yourself permission. Permission to grieve, permission to rest, and permission to be curious in your grief process. There is no perfect way to grieve or healthy strategy to avoid the pain. There is, however, deep connection and understanding that can be felt with others who are also navigating the same experience this season. Don’t go it alone, reach out for support and you will find your way.
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