By Guest Blogger Kristen Bagwell
“Seventeen.” That is the first thought I had yesterday when an old, dear friend called to tell me she is expecting a baby in June. “I’m so happy for you!” I exclaimed, yet in my head, I was thinking “seventeen.” You see, she is the seventeenth person who has had a successful pregnancy since I had a miscarriage last August. Seventeen! It’s like a joke. It was especially ironic since I’d just been to the doctor that morning to discuss my fertility options. Deep breath…
To be honest, I keep wondering why it is still bothering me so much. I do believe God has a plan, and I do believe things happened the way they did for a reason. I can’t decide whether I am just a schmuck or whether human nature just makes us want what we can’t have, but it stings a little to keep hearing friends share their good news and wonder if and when mine will come again.
I should back up and say that in general, I feel very lucky…I have a gorgeous, smart, precocious three-year-old and a lovely husband, a good job, great friends…more than many people enjoy in this life. That makes me feel even worse for feeling bad. I think part of the problem is that I am spoiled – I am used to getting things I want, or knowing how to get them. That makes this whole “secondary infertility” thing just a big kick in the head. Between feeling like there is something wrong with me, and the uncertainty about what will or won’t work (and when it will or won’t work), it’s a bit much to handle.
On the flip side – I felt so bad when I was 28 weeks pregnant and a friend told me she’d had a miscarriage. All I could think to say was “I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” mainly because I was. I remember thinking her story was especially horrible because she’d heard the heartbeat already and was so excited and full of hope. Having been through it myself, I cannot imagine a better or worse in this situation. Miscarriage is just mean. It sucks no matter what, and I honestly can’t say what I am supposed to have learned from it, other than to keep your chin up and work hard to make your dreams come true. I guess that is a good rule of thumb in general…maybe I needed to hear it again.
One other thing – if you know someone who goes through this situation, the best thing to say is simply “I’m so sorry.” These sincere words have meant the most to me. I am sure my friends and family wanted to help me feel better, but “your time will come,” “it’s for the best,” and “well, you know that is nature’s way of taking care of unhealthy babies” just made me feel worse. I hope you don’t have to use that advice, although I have been shocked to learn how many people have been through this situation….just realizing that I was not alone made me feel a bit better because I knew someone understood what I was feeling.
So with all of that said, and my official diagnosis in hand, maybe it’s time to put the past behind me. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new adventure… this will be a little different than “babymaking 101” but in the end, I hope it’s just as much fun.
I want to thank Kristen for this open and honest post. I think there are many moms out there who can relate all too well. We are keeping you in our thoughts, Kristen, and wish your family nothing but the best! … Rachel