By Guest Blogger Christine Murray, PhD, LPC, LMFT, Director of the Healthy Relationships Initiative
One of my friends is an extreme negative Nelly. There is rarely a conversation that we have where she does not complain or whine about something. If her husband brings her flowers, they are the wrong color. If her child wins an award, it wasn’t presented well enough. It’s getting exhausting just to be with her. Please help me figure out what to do. She is a good friend but has sadly become extremely annoying to be around. ~ Losing My Patience
Dear Losing Patience,
You are a good friend for sticking by Nelly, even when she’s bringing a downer attitude to your interactions with her. It is difficult to be around someone who complains a lot and not take on some of their negativity yourself. Of course, it’s a choice for you whether you want to continue to stay friends with her. You may decide that you need to limit your time with her for the time being.
But, you can make some changes in how you interact with her, if you know there’s a great side to Nelly that’s worth hanging in the friendship for. Then you won’t be so upset by your interactions with her.
First, you need to consider that Nelly may have something difficult going on in her life. Possibly, she hasn’t been comfortable talking to you about it yet. Perhaps she’s struggling in her marriage or feeling insecure about her role as a parent. She could be dealing with some current or past challenging experiences that you don’t know about. Sometimes, hurts that aren’t fully healed can creep out in unexpected ways. Such as a negative attitude toward seemingly insignificant moments in the day.
The next time you see Nelly, you could say something like the following to her. This will help let her know you’re there for her. “I’ve noticed you seem kind of sad these days. Is there anything going on with you that I can help you with?” Even if she doesn’t share anything at this time, she may question what you’ve noticed that makes you think she’s sad. You could share your observations about her complaints. She may not even be aware of how her comments are coming across to others.
Second, tell Nelly how her comments impact you and your friendship. However, before you do this, take some time for self-reflection. Think through your own reactions to her complaints and why these comments are upsetting you. This will help you articulate your feelings to her and hopefully present them in a way that won’t put her on the defensive.
Third, if after you share your concerns with Nelly, she may share that her negativity is something she wants to change. Then consider how you can support and encourage her in developing a more positive attitude. Try suggesting she seek out counseling, especially if the negative attitude is related to some unresolved hurts in her life. It’s also possible that she’s experiencing a more serious condition, such as depression. If that’s the case, support her in getting the help she needs.
Additionally, you can help her learn to focus on the positive side of her experiences. You can do this by highlighting ways that she is fortunate. You might say, “Wow, those flowers are so beautiful. How fortunate you are to have such a thoughtful husband!,” or “I’m so impressed with your child’s award! It’s such an honor for your child to be recognized in that way, even if the way it was presented was a little strange. You’re doing a great job as a mom.” By hearing these words of encouragement from you, she may start to internalize them. Thus, learning to be encouraging and positive toward herself as well.
If all else fails, one of my good friends and fellow therapist, Christine Dassow, has a great tip for dealing with people with negative energy. Her advice is to imagine there’s a large drain in the room right between you and the negative person. You can picture all the negative energy going down the drain before it reaches you. This drain image is a powerful reminder that you can be around negative people, but you don’t need to take on their negativity as your own!
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Good way to turn a negative view into a more positive situation.
If my sister in law lived in this state I would have thought this question was written about her! She is just like this. She is a very nice person and a very giving Aunt to my children, but she cannot make a statement without putting a negative spin on it. She just got back from a gorgeous vacation in Thailand and instead of realizing what a novelty it is to do something like that she complained about the weather. So frustrating. Going to try some of these ideas next time I am around her!