By Guest Blogger Rachel Haggerty with The Witty Uterus

One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan says to the crowd, ”If you ever wonder what it is like having four children, just imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.”

Watching this act with two children of my own, years ago… I laughed and laughed remembering how good of a swimmer I am. I can tread water like nobody’s business. I’m no Olympian, but I could handle four kids. After two, what’s one more mouth to feed right?


After our fourth was born, suddenly we became an elderly couple. We went to bed earlier from utter exhaustion. For me, basic hygiene became a thing of the past. Sexy time became an act of Congress to convince all four children we just needed to ”talk about Christmas presents in our room ” in the middle of JULY. Even that, “we have three minutes before one of them will knock on the door with their Christmas requests.”

Going out to eat was the worst idea since ever.

Couples with three or less children don’t get it yet. We were just cycling along as a family, and God threw a tiny cute twig in one of the wheels. He has gorgeous blonde curls, runs the household and now we are late EVERYWHERE WE GO.

It doesn’t matter if I wake up 18 hours before we need to arrive at our destination, someone will STILL make us late by having to poop. Even me. It’s like four kids equals regular and frequent bowels for everyone in the family, but only when we are running late for church. Jesus pooped too.

At our church we just quietly walk into the back of the sanctuary halfway through the worship. I teach our children that shame isn’t from Jesus, and encourage them to worship while I shamefully game plan for how to be on time next week.

I must add, that the fourth child is feral. They are adorable as heck, but this means that they can get away with anything, because its cute. You are also more distracted with the other kids to notice that the fourth one has scissors in his hand and he is running upstairs to cut his hair. And anything else he can find.

Things that the first three children may have done , like sleep through the night are a thing of the past. The fourth doesn’t follow the previous rules, he makes his own rules, and then disobeys them for fun.

I truly do understand that after four kids, one or three more is no big deal. You have already lost your mind, your grocery bill is enough to contemplate selling a good ovary, and your social life has taken the back seat where all the old Chick-fil-A fries are residing.

But alas, as my children have recently said, ” Mom took Dad to get his balls chopped off so that they can’t make any more babies!”

Its true. No more tiny people for me.

There is one more thing you need to know about that fourth baby. You have been through the ringer of watching babies grow up too fast, so you savor this ones scent. You let him sleep with you at night. You let him cookies before dinner. You snuggle with him more. You cherish because you know all too well how big he will look to you the next day.

Time isn’t on our side Mommas. Vasectomies are however on our side.

Want to see more blogs like this and get notifications on local events and happenings? Subscribe to Triad Moms on Main’s free weekly newsletters here.