By Guest Blogger Tiffany Deonanan
Far too many parents are losing their children before they expect to. I unwillingly joined this “mom who has lost a child” club, two years ago. My son was hit by a car while I was outside watching him ride his bike. After countless hours after the medical team at Brenner’s Childrens Hospital did everything in their power to try and save my son, the end result was him leaving this earth way too soon and was not how I pictured my life with him. Over the past two years, I have learned that we all grieve differently. My husband, my daughter, and I still are at different stages of grieving his loss. You can feel every emotion possible at once or hang on to one emotion for a while.
I know as friends, we sit back and think what could we do for someone who has lost someone close to them. The things that helped me the most was my faith and those who I could be real with, without feeling the need to be judged if I was having a bad day. There are days when you want to stay inside and cry, be mad, cuss, beat the wall, or just sit and think about nothing. As your body begins to process the loss and is not in shock anymore, you begin to realize your fairy tale life you thought you were going to have as a little girl is not going to end with “happily ever after.”
I remember feeling so numb and in shock for months, just thinking my son was going to magically pop right back into my life and our lives would just continue like they did before his accident. Just having a friend to cry on their shoulder or just not having to talk about it was the best therapy. Many friends drifted out of my life because they were not sure how to handle the situation and then many entered for a good reason and some just wanted to be a part of the “process” of the situation.
There are days when I watch another family lose their child and it just brings all the emotions back. It makes me want to wrap that family up in my arms and tell them how sorry I am and how I feel their pain. Many people tell you, “He is in a better place.” “God has a plan.” No mother wants to hear that their child is in a better place that involves being far away from them. Deep down you may know, but you don’t want to hear it nor except it.
Time has gone by and it is not easier. I just deal with the pain of losing him differently. Our family has been very open about expressing our feelings about my son’s loss and talk about him daily. We remember all the things he used to do. The funny things, the crazy things, the most annoying things, the scary things, and the list goes on.
A couple weeks after my son’s accident, I reached out on Facebook to the first doctor in the Emergency Department that helped him. I knew we had several mutual friends and we built a friendship immediately. What has come out of that friendship is beyond what I can put into words. Over the past two years, we have partnered with Heartstrings and have formed the Circle of Hope. It is an annual event that takes place in August that allows first responders and family members and friends who have lost someone close to them due to trauma to heal. The date has not been determined on the next event for 2016. We are still in the process of finalizing the date.
If I have learned one important thing in life, it is to cherish the moments you have with your loved ones. I know it sounds cliché, but you seriously never know. One second they are here and the next minute they are gone. I remember when both my daughter and son were small and life was crazy and I thought that if I could just get through this stage life would be easier. That stage that my kids were in would come and go and another stage would come. Whether it be the newborn stage, potty training, biting, girl drama, and the list goes on. Savor each moment and love your kids. Put down your phones, stop doing the chores, take off time from work every now and then and just have quality time with them. They will remember that later in life and it will mean so much more. There is a quote that I live by: Your life is made up of two dates and a dash. Make the most out of your dash. Make your dash count and worth living for because you never know when the last date will happen.
*Photo courtesy of Sally Gupton Photography
Your words explain things that no one could comprehend unless they had lost a child. I am blessed to have my 16-year-old twin girls by my side each day and I hope to make memories with them each day that they will hold for a lifetime. I did lose my husband and they lost their stepfather the head raise them since they were 3 1/2 years old suddenly at the age of 14 1/2. He was my soulmate and daddy to them and each day we are all in a different stage of grief I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and thank you for such beautiful words to help us to remember to make each day count.
I am also a grieving mother. I lost my 22 year old son May 18, 2011. I took him to the hospital because he was complaining of stomach pains and a swollen leg. He walked in the ER texting on his phone and asking for prayers on Facebook because he was going to the ER. Two hours later the doctor informed his father and myself that he had a pulmonary embolism. That feeling is something that you would not wish on your worst enemy. But as you stated, people just don’t know what to say, and you really don’t want to hear he’s in a better place, or God knows best. I know he knows best, but at that time I feel his best is being with me. But time heals and the strength of my two daughters. Then January 2014 my father was rushed to the hospital with the same thing and died the same way. But just like you because of my faith, I live on. Thank you for posting
I’m a fellow WFBH employee and a grieving mother too. I lost my son Justin on 9/25/14 after a 4 1/2 year long battle with Ewing Sarcoma. Very different losses, very different grief. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I find words so hard to write these days, so I truly appreciate others who can verbalize what I feel.
Tiffany-
You have lived through every parent’s worst nightmare. I have not lost a child, but my grandmother did. You have written some of the same things she always talked about after losing her only son to a brain tumor. This article is so sweetly written. I have known your mom for years and you all have been so supportive of one another. I know your parents are very proud of you and love you. May your sweet memories of Brenner give you peace and comfort.
Tiffany, I have so many nice memories you. Your sense of humor lights up a room. Your strength and faith have been a blessing to all, especially those who must face and live with your heart break.
Your story and openness is such an inspiration to others. I heard about your son’s accident before we came to Meadowlark. Even though I had never met you I spent many hours in prayer for you and your family. You have done amazing things through an incredibly tragic situation. I am still praying for you and love the Circle of Hope that you are starting. I pray you stay strong in the Lord and in his mighty power and that everyday you are able to feel God’s comfort in some way.
I lost my son when he was 13. We were hit by a drunk driver, I survived and my son died instantly. Thank you for putting this out here. You put this into words how I’ve always felt. Please let me know how I can help with your organization.
You constant amaze me. Thanks for the reminder.
Love ya
Tiffany,
I haven’t met you, I know Anna. I remember the day this happened. My heart broke for you and your family. We have not forgotten and I often think of your son when we so proudly wear orange for another reason– to give life through education. I run on organization called Caring For Cambodia. Through Anna’s tireless efforts to help children in need –thousands of people around the world know he lived! Please post the date for your event. God Bless Your Family. Jamie Amelio
Tiffany, even though we haven’t worked together for many years I still think of you daily. Your strength amazes me. Your loss affects me still. It is so hard for friends to know what to say when tragedies such as this happen. Our instinct is to fix it and make the other person feel better even though we know that is impossible. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
i have heard the pain of losing a child is the worst pain a person will experience. You have expressed your feelings with such emotion. You are so blessed to be your children’s Mom and they are so blessed to have you as their Mom. Cherish your memories of your son, and make many beautiful memories with your daughter.
Tiffany, I was good friends with your mom and dad when you were just a toddler. Your story truly makes us stop and think that we are not promised tomorrow.You sound like an amazing person and a wonderful mom.
Thank you for sharing your story and for the reminder to treasure each moment with our loved ones! I haven’t met you, but was in school with Joel. While I can’t imagine your loss, my mom died in April, and I know that you always miss someone you love once they are gone. I believe that the “dash” for all of us is just a blink of an eye, in the light of eternity, and knowing that I will see my mom again one day before long is a comfort to me.
Tiffany, that was beautifully written. You inspire me to be a stronger person. Your words just made me do a double take. I just this morning typed on facebook how my children made my Blood Pressure high fighting and acting crazy while getting ready for school. I was just like Whoa, this hits close to home. I went to school with you ma’am, i was younger , i think i was actually in Courtney’s grade. But anyways , my point is , my kids are here to aggravate the mess out of me and for that i am grateful. I will think twice before i post such things ever again, because you are right , life changes in the blink of an eye and i could NEVER imagine the pain you or your family are going through. I know the pain never goes away. I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I follow Brenner on facebook through your sister Courtney’s page. I just recently did the WEAR ORANGE for Brenner. I see all the balloons flying, the pictures everywhere , and my heart just breaks for you all. I know you will always LOVE your boy and I cant imagine the pain ever getting easier, but what i do know is MY GOD , and the faith you have in him will help make a way! 🙂 Thank you for sharing this blog , because even though i have never lost a child it sure has helped me open my eyes to be a better mom to the ones who are still on this earth with me. <3
My sweet daughter you amaze me. I love you.
Wow Tiffany! Thanks so much for sharing this and educating those of us who have not lost a child, but have probably said the wrong things unknowingly! Love you girl and still miss you at “the Garden”!