It isn’t Normal – the Hidden Signs of Domestic Abuse
Everyone who visits my home comments on one picture in the living room: my two two boys, ages 2 and 4, hold my daughter in the neighbor’s backyard, staring at her with curious intensity. It’s perfection: little boy crocs, baby girl ruffles, cute little baby feet and dimpled toddler elbows. It’s one of my favorites, too.
What no one sees – and few people know – is why the photo only shows the kids and not the full family, which was the original intention. They don’t know that I spent weeks planning a newborn shoot that would also be a family photo, choosing outfits with coordinating colors. You can’t see that I saved my money for a – frankly – expensive newborn photo shoot because I just adore good photos. They don’t know that, midway through the shoot, while the photographer situated my sweet girl in a basket on the living room floor and the rest of the family wandered in and out of the room, I suggested that we use the neighbor’s yard because the grass looked so good. And within minutes, my husband had huffed out of the room, changed out of his picture clothes, and stormed out. They don’t see the confusion on the photographer’s face or my embarrassment while I tried to stammer, “He just does this sometimes. We’ll have to do a shot with just the kids.” They don’t see the screaming after the photographer left, or the accusations that I had dared to disrespect him by suggesting that we use the neighbor’s yard and not his.
They just see sweet babies, just like all the friends on social media who had no idea what was really happening.
It Isn’t Normal
It took me almost a decade to fully understand that my marriage was abusive. After all, I never once sported a bruise. But every once in a while, there were witnesses to behavior that my ex-husband had convinced me was normal. And every once in a while, someone sent me a note or pulled me aside and said, “We saw that. We love you, and we want you to know that this is NOT normal or healthy.” And while it took me years to finally admit they were right, each message got me further to understanding what was really going on.
It isn’t normal for a father to threaten to slit your throat while you are breastfeeding your colicky baby because the baby’s crying fills him with rage.
It isn’t normal for your stomach to turn over in fear every time you hear the garage door open because you don’t know which version of that man will come through the door.
It isn’t normal for your husband to scream at you for three hours because the church nursery workers accidentally sent your son’s new coat home with another child, an accident that he believes is surely your fault and indicative of your wasteful spending.
It isn’t normal for him to save his worst rages for the car, driving recklessly with you and the kids with him. And when the reckless driving leads to him hitting a curb and damaging the car, it isn’t normal for him to blame you for the cost of the repairs – claiming that you caused the damage because you are such a reckless driver.
It isn’t normal to spend every holiday hunkered down in another room, waiting for the screaming to subside.
It isn’t normal for a husband to wake you up at all hours of the night and morning, often by ripping the pillow out from under your head or flipping on all the lights, to yell about what a terrible wife you are.
It isn’t normal if your husband pins you to the wall in your daughter’s room and draws a fist on you because she isn’t going to sleep quickly enough. And it isn’t normal if he then blames you for injuring his shoulder – when you didn’t even fight back.
It isn’t normal for a man to take your phone away before he starts to yell so that you can’t record him.
It isn’t normal to plan every family outing down to the smallest detail in order to prevent anything that might “set him off.”
It isn’t normal for your kids to come home from a playdate and ask, “Why do other dads like kids, but ours doesn’t?”
It isn’t normal for a loving father to tell the kids that “Mommy’s brain is damaged because she took antipsychotic drugs when she was younger.” (Prozac, folks. I once took prozac.)
It isn’t normal for a dad to leave his young children home alone while you go to the neighborhood book club because “he works all day and how dare a stay-at-home mom think she has the right to go out.”
It isn’t normal for him to order food for the kids and the restaurant and refuse to buy anything for you because you can just eat the leftovers.
It isn’t normal to pray that he’ll finally hit you so that you can have proof for the police.
It. Isn’t. Normal.
Domestic Violence Isn’t Always “Violent”
Not every unhappy marriage is abusive, but many are. I struggled to accept that I was being abused because I didn’t fit the stereotype: I am educated. I homeschooled my children. I went to church. I didn’t have visible injuries. In fact, my husband managed to convince me that I was unhappy because my expectations were unrealistic. I was a spoiled only child whose selfishness made everyone miserable. If I would just be happy all the time, lose 20 pounds, keep a perfect house, earn six figures, and never once spend a dime on myself, we would have a perfect marriage. I believed him…and I tried harder.
It sounds crazy, but I am still entangling myself from a litany of beliefs about myself that he used to keep me prisoner.
Friends, that is abuse. Abuse can be physical, financial, spiritual, verbal, and emotional. Usually, a lot of those things are wrapped up together – they were for me. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your household, if your whole body can’t relax until he drives away…you should probably be asking yourself some hard questions.
What are the Next Steps?
I’m not an expert, just someone who lived it. But I can share what was helpful for me. First, if you are the friend who suspects abuse, say something. Say it kindly and understand that it will feel like an attack, but say it anyway. It took years of people affirming that the way my husband treated me was wrong before I stopped defending his actions. Still, if no one says anything, nothing changes. Eventually, it was a relief for me to hear that I wasn’t crazy for being upset.
If you are realizing that your relationship is abusive, start making a plan. You don’t have to follow through on the plan, and you may have to tell yourself that to find the courage to get started. But begin to take steps to prepare. Document everything. Record what you can. Open a bank account that he doesn’t know about and make sure you sign up for electronic statements. If you have retirement accounts, make sure he can’t access them. When you buy groceries, buy things and return them for cash that you hide. Or buy gift cards you can use later for food. Find a source of income and stash that money somewhere safe. Have a burner phone. Just know that the moment you leave, he’ll wipe all your joint accounts and cut off access to everything.
Tell people. Let people see what is truly going on. Most abusers put on a really lovely front, and it’s easier for people to support you when they’ve seen the real person. If you don’t have a village, try your darndest to build one. Have a friend who tells you where her spare key is hidden and makes sure you can reach her at all times. If he made you burn bridges with family and friends, start rebuilding them. Know where you can go when things escalate.
Because things always escalate. They may take years to get physical, but they will. And in the meantime, the emotional damage is honestly worse than the physical. It is the emotional harm that I am still trying to heal, years later.
The abuse is not your fault, and it is not accidental. Abusers know what they are doing and they continue to do it because it benefits them. Don’t listen to their lies anymore.
Because no matter what they say, it’s not normal.
Frequently Asked Questions About Domestic Violence
1. What exactly counts as domestic violence or abuse?
Domestic violence and abusive behavior isn’t limited to physical harm. It includes any behavior used to gain power and control over a partner — physical, emotional abuse, intimidation, psychological, sexual, financial, or spiritual. Examples include threats, isolation from friends or family, controlling money, verbal attacks, manipulation, stalking, or destroying property.
If you feel afraid, controlled, or like you’re “walking on eggshells,” that’s a sign something is wrong.
2. Can abuse happen even if there’s no physical violence?
Yes. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Many survivors say that the emotional harm — the gaslighting, fear, name-calling, economic abuse and control — takes even longer to heal. Abuse is about power and control, not anger or loss of temper, it toys with your self-worth and effects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
3. Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
Leaving is incredibly difficult — and often dangerous. Victims of domestic abuse stay for many reasons: fear of retaliation, financial dependence, concern for children, isolation, shame, or love and hope that the abuser will change. Abusers often make their partners feel trapped and powerless. Remember: staying doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you’re surviving under impossible conditions.
4. How can I help someone I think is being abused?
Say something — gently and without judgment. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you seem scared sometimes. I care about you, and I’m here if you ever need help.” Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready; focus on safety and support. Listen. Believe them. Offer resources and check in often.
5. What should I do if I think I’m being abused?
You are not alone, and it’s not your fault. There are people and organizations ready to help. If it’s safe, start documenting incidents, building a support system, and creating an emergency plan. Reach out for professional help — you don’t have to do this on your own.
Resources for Help and Support
Guilford County Family Justice Center (Greensboro / High Point)
Phone: 336-641-SAFE (7233)
Website: https://www.guilfordcountync.gov/government/departments-and-agencies/family-justice-center
Family Service of the Piedmont – 24-Hour Crisis Line
Phone: 336-273-7273
Website: https://fspcares.org
Family Services, Inc. (Forsyth County) – Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Crisis Line
Phone: 336-723-8125
Website: https://familyservicesforsyth.org
Legal Aid of North Carolina – Winston-Salem Office (Civil Legal Help)
Phone: 336-725-9162
Website: https://legalaidnc.org
Forsyth County Sheriff’s Office Victim Services – Domestic Violence Unit
Phone: 336-917-7009
Website: https://www.co.forsyth.nc.us/sheriff/domestic_violence.aspx
National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.)
Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
Visit thehotline.org for live chat, safety planning, and confidential help 24/7.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Visit rainn.org for support and resources for survivors of sexual violence.
Love Is Respect (for teens and young adults)
Call 1-866-331-9474
Text LOVEIS to 22522
Visit loveisrespect.org for information on healthy relationships and support for those experiencing dating abuse.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
Visit ncadv.org/resources for safety planning tools, legal information, and advocacy resources.
If you’re outside the U.S.
Visit hotpeachpages.net for a global directory of domestic violence hotlines and shelters by country.
Want to see more blogs like this and also get notifications on local events and happenings? Subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.
Other Helpful Blogs and Resources
Domestic Violence Resources in the Triad
Thriving After Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence : Who Is Taking Care of the Children?
Counselors, Psychologists and Mental Health Therapists in the Triad