Giving Children A Broader, More Colorful Perspective
One of the first things we teach our young children is to name colors. There is a great sense of parental pride as we showcase our toddler’s acquisition of color knowledge. We ask them to name colors for everyone and everywhere … at the playground, in the tub, in Target, etc. However, if a child names the color of a person’s skin in the grocery store we move quickly to silence them or to divert the conversation, and then proceed to offer apologies to those around us who may have heard your child’s observation.
It is in those moments that we inadvertently pass along a bias to our children. I believe that we react in this way with good intentions. We don’t want to embarrass, draw attention to, or hurt anyone’s feelings. However, what we actually do is carry on what our parents passed along to us … the fear of drawing attention to someone’s race and the belief that if we don’t talk about it, then our children won’t “see” color. We send the message that there is something wrong with noticing a person’s skin color. Young children see color. Young children do not see race. They learn and develop an awareness of race based on what they hear, witness, and experience. As parents, teachers, and mentors – it is our responsibility to teach children about our country and world’s historical and current struggles that are rooted in varying cultural and religious beliefs; however, we need to expose them to this knowledge, being mindful of not passing along our own biases and being certain to deliver this information when it is developmentally appropriate. First and foremost, we need to instill in them from a young age openness, compassion, and respect for others. These traits will form the foundation for the information and experiences that will present themselves in the years to come.
As a mother, I want my daughters to grow up with a sense of pride in themselves. I want them to see and appreciate not only the beauty in their own uniqueness but also in that of others. I grew up in a small city in central Connecticut in the 1970s. In my hometown, neighborhoods had long been established based on European descent. Each ethnic neighborhood was centered around a church and a grocery. The largest neighborhoods consisted of Polish, Italian, and French families. They were a working class of people who worked and played together as a very strong family community.
Once a year each neighborhood would have a festival wherein everyone from the city would come and enjoy “the best” of that culture, whether it be dancing, baked goods, kielbasa and pierogies or music. We had an awareness of what each culture represented and an appreciation of those things. My ancestors were Polish and French. I grew up hearing and learning pieces of both those languages. I took Polish dance lessons. We regularly ate ethnic foods and had very distinct traditions that defined each holiday. Yet, at the same time, we all knew that my grandmother’s Italian neighbor made the BEST bread on this side of the Atlantic!
When I moved from Connecticut and met my husband, who is from western North Carolina, he was unaware of his ancestry and his family referred to themselves as Southern and did not participate in any specific family traditions. I remember feeling that they were missing so much color from their lives by not knowing their ancestry and from not having shared family traditions.
I share the story above to preface how important it is to know where you’ve come from. There is a fascinating show on television entitled just that – “Do You Know Who You Are?” Featured celebrities trace their ancestry line to see where they have come from.
In the first episode I watched, Emmit Smith’s (retired Running Back for the Dallas Cowboys) journey was spotlighted. He traced his lineage from Florida to Alabama to Virginia (where his family had been sold as slaves) to the exact region in Africa. As Emmit traveled to each of these places he uncovered interesting, enlightening, and sometimes difficult stories from his family’s past. It was surreal to see just how much the stories of his past were woven into the fabric of who Emmit is as an individual; all without him having had any prior knowledge of that history. The history that Emmit uncovered will no doubt forever change the way he sees himself and others.
Not too long after this show, I had a conversation with my kindergarten students about family ancestry. The children in my class were referencing the fact that Tom had darker skin than the others. I asked all the children to put their fists in the middle of the circle. We examined and compared all of our skin tones. The variations were numerous.
I told the children that a person’s skin color is one way to tell where a person’s ancestors originated. My fair skin (and once naturally blonde hair) reminds me that my ancestors were from Poland. Tom’s skin color reminds us that his ancestors are from Africa. The shape of Suzie’s eyes tell us that her ancestors are from China.
This conversation manifested itself into a discussion of what special traditions (foods, etc.) each child’s family has that also remind them of where their ancestors are from. Tom spoke to the class about how the colorful clothing his family wears on special occasions reminds him that his family is from Uganda. Our discussion quickly moved from a casual conversation to an “AHA” moment for some students. It seemed to finally make sense to them. Tom’s skin color was no longer a thing that separated or defined him, but it was something that made him a little more interesting to know. Many children came back to school the following day, after they had asked their parents where their ancestors were from, ready to share more information about themselves with the class.
If your family’s life circumstances make it difficult to trace back your lineage – it’s never too late to begin your own family traditions! Decide what core values you want passed down through the generations. What does it mean to be a part of your family? What do you want your children to remember and to emulate when they are parents themselves? It could be an addition to a holiday that you already celebrate or you can begin an ordinary day tradition. Be creative and keep it easy to manage.
When children (and adults) have a greater knowledge of and an appreciation for their own personal history, a sense of pride is rooted. Once you experience that personally, you are open to feeling that for others. As a country, we still have far to travel on this journey of acceptance and tolerance; however, I find hope in special life moments where love binds people together with no thoughts of individual race, religion, or other defining characteristics. Embrace the history, beauty, and diversity all around us.
As we remember the life and death of Martin Luther King, Jr. and for ALL the faces that have touched our world, may your hearts be open to the beauty of those around you. May you delight in the uniqueness of all people and, at the same time, find that commonplace that binds us all together as a human race. And, the next time your child notices the unique beauty in a stranger – be open to it and let the conversation begin.
A few children’s book recommendations:
Global Babies (a board book)
Diversity Diaries: A Kid’s Genealogy
I’m Like You, You are Like Me: A Book About Understanding Each Other
The Sandwich Swap
The Rainbow Stick Boy
The Skin You Live In
Black, White, Just Right
Resources for adults to explore:
The Book of New Family Traditions (Revised and Updated): How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Every Day
Our Family Tree: A History of our Family
By Kelly Sipe
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