The Pregnancy Pukes

By Rachel Hoeing

It absolutely cracks me up when I hear people say, “Oh, I just loved being pregnant! I felt so full of life and always had a glow about me!” I have no way of relating to those statements. For me, there was definitely not a glow … I was usually white as a ghost because I was nauseous or about to throw up. I also had that horrible pain down the side of my inner thigh, awful back pain, and I felt like I waddled for the last three months. I always felt like I would feel better once I puked, but I never did. That lead-tasting-acid-reflux-pukey-feeling would creep right back into my throat the moment I threw up. I never understood the term “morning sickness” because I puked all day long. I am sure many of you can sympathize with the fact that it took me a long time before I could eat a bagel again after seeing it come back up. Same goes for milkshakes and hot wings. Eeeew, it makes me shudder to think of it. But years later, here I am, back on the “eating everything in sight train” and have no problems looking back and laughing.

I tried a million different medications to help the nausea and ended up with a combination of Zofran (which cancer patients take to help ease nausea from chemo), and Unisom. It took a lot of consideration before deciding to try for a second child because I was so afraid that I would feel the same way with the second. But then I thought, well, if it is a different sex then maybe I won’t feel as miserable. WRONG. My first pregnancy was a boy, the second was a girl, and I puked for 5 months with one and 8 months with the other. Unfortunately, I am sure there are some of you out there reading this whose nausea lasted even longer!

Now let me make sure I clarify one thing – I am eternally blessed and grateful that I was able to conceive in the first place, able to deliver without many complications, and have two healthy children. I am in no way taking that for granted and I want to make sure that those out there who did not have those experiences don’t feel like I am complaining about what are now the greatest joys in my life. I thought it would be fun to look back on my misery of when I was pregnant and have some of you share your stories also. Of course at the time of being pregnant, I, in no way thought these stories were funny, but now I think they are hysterical!

One of the best stories was when I was 9 months pregnant. I was teaching 5th grade at this time, and it was Graduation Day for my students. I was actually past the nausea at this point, but instead had the back pain, inner thigh pain, and just the “get this baby out of me” feeling. It was June, and I was hot, fat, and miserable. I rolled my big belly out of bed that morning, got myself dressed in a nice new sundress I had bought for this special graduation day. I was all set to go, but then realized I was probably going to need to wear some nice shoes instead of the sneakers I had been wearing every day. So I crawled my big ol’ self on the floor to the depths of our dark, hundred-year-old closet to find one black strappy sandal. I was so hot, my back was throbbing, I was so tired, and of course we all know how much fun it is to try and actually bend over with that big belly in the way. I could not find the other sandal. I was searching and searching and getting more irritated by the minute. By this time, I was going to be late for school. I started crying. I was so frustrated and it was hard enough finding things in that old closet when you are NOT pregnant, much less when you weigh 40 pounds more than usual, your lower back feels like someone is hitting it with a lead pipe, and you are all sweaty and hot. So, I called my husband at work sobbing, and told him he was going to have to come home and find my black sandal for me. Now mind you, this man had lived with my miserable pregnant self for 9 months, so I think he knew that he had no choice – he drove home from work at 7 o’clock in the morning to come find my black sandal. Helped me in the car, and sent me off to school for a memorable graduation day. Again, in June of 2003, this was NOT a funny story, but today … hilarious!

My husband’s favorite story is when I was pregnant with our second child. I was always puking. One day I ran for the toilet as my one-year-old ran along behind me. I got to the toilet, and as I am vomiting, my one-year-old is next to me pretending to be “vomiting.” He’s got his head all smooshed in the toilet with mine and making gagging noises, mocking me! Meanwhile I am screaming to my husband, “Kevin! Get him out of here!” And wouldn’t you know that Kevin is standing at the doorway dying laughing at the two of us? If only he’d taken a picture!

I could tell many many more embarrassing and humorous occurrences from pregnant times, but instead I’d love to hear other funny pregnancy stories from you! So bring em’ on!

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