Things I Learned the Hard Way

By Rachel Hoeing

Life is funny. Experiences are funny. They are especially funny when they happen to someone else. Thought I’d let you enjoy some amusement today at my expense by reading things that I learned the hard way. And please share some of your own by commenting at the end!

-If you start to feel queasy, nauseous, or sick prior to getting on a plane … do not get on the plane. The pilot cannot take off when someone is stuck in the bathroom. You may just have to exit the plane with sheer embarrassment so the rest of the passengers can get on their way.

-Piggy backing on the above comment, always check the barf bags on the plane. Did you know that yours may have a hole in the bottom?

-When deciding to cliff dive on your honeymoon, make sure you learn the correct position in which to land. A shot in the rear from a Jamaican doctor is not a honeymoon dream.

-When you get a spider bite on your rear, the doctor does in fact need to see it before prescribing an antibiotic, even if he is your husband’s best friend.

-When your child takes a sippy cup of milk into the car, make sure he always brings it back out with him.

-Don’t try a new recipe when you have your in-laws over for dinner.

-Potato skins do not go in the garbage disposal.

-Male babies can pee in their own mouths quite easily when you are changing their diapers.

-When you have a secret crush on a guy in your class and you doodle his name all over your folder and stare at him and prank call him just to hear his voice, it’s really not a secret. He knows. Actually, the whole school knows.

-Grandmas can lose their balance and fall on your baby as they try to lean over them while they are playing on the floor.

-A child’s voice is amplified when in a restroom or dressing room.

-When taking any kind of pill, put it straight into your mouth when children are around. Don’t set it next to your glass of water while you run to answer the phone. The black tar they make kids drink at the ER is nasty.

-Check the batteries in all toys before leaving on a trip. Charge the camera as well.

-When a child says they think they might have to throw up … they usually throw up within one second of uttering that statement.

-When a squirrel is trapped inside your house, open all the doors and windows and then sit outside and watch for him to exit. Do not assume he got out the same way he got in. He is probably still in there. And he could possibly sleeping in the room with your youngest child every night.

-When your older family members join Facebook, they find out way more about you than you had ever intended.

-If you ever pull over on the side of a highway, do not open the door if an 18-wheeler is passing by. Just the force of the wind is enough to blast your door into the hood of the car. (It especially helps if you do not do this in the rain.)

-There are no places to stop to use the bathroom on a large stretch of I-40 East after you pass over I-77.

-If you ever go to a NASCAR race, let it be known that people on the infield often rent their own personal port-o-potty and are not too happy when you decide to use it.

-Never assume that a younger girl with an older man is his daughter. It could very well be his date.

Hope you enjoyed these. And yes, oh yes, they did all happen to me! Now come on, get some guts and share your own!