A Marriage Restored
By Guest Blogger Suzanne Danhauer
2015 was one of the most painful years of my life. I never want to repeat it, and at the same time I am intensely grateful for it.
We had been married 13 years. We had two high-demand careers, 4 young boys, packed schedules, and lots of responsibilities. There was no priority on us as a couple. We went out one evening, and he told me that he was “done,” didn’t feel respected, and had put the “last brick” on his wall. I had felt intensely lonely and unloved by him for a long time as well. Several months later, he moved out. That was the most painful day that either of us has ever experienced. I once read about a marriage that had almost died the “death of a thousand paper cuts” (i.e., all the “little things” piling up). That phrase described our experience.
We have been back together over a year now, and our marriage isn’t just good. It is amazing, and we are enjoying each other more now than ever before. We moved into a new home and recently took an incredible anniversary trip out of the country for a week without our children. I remain in awe and am filled with gratitude for how much our relationship has changed and grown.
What brought us from a hopeless situation to a marriage that is vibrant and solid? For us, some of the strategies that made a major difference included:
- Focus on changing myself. Early on during that painful year, I began to consider ways that I could change (rather than waiting for him to change). How could I respond to him differently — with more kindness and patience and humility? How could I respond to stress and that constant overwhelmed feeling with more calmness and perhaps more humor? I decided that I would work on me without expecting change in return (at least not right away).
- Acts of kindness. I knew that the “little things” – both positive and negative – matter a lot. So, if lots of little negative things left us in rough shape, I sought ways to show small acts of kindness to him. I tried to keep doing this even when there was little to no response.
- Search for knowledge that could help. For a person with four children who never had time to read, I completed 14 books between January and September on topics like marriage, avoiding divorce, faith, priorities, and negotiation. The most impactful book that I read was For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. It described survey data from thousands of men that provided incredible insights into their inner thoughts and feelings, I learned so much about the fundamental differences in how we are wired as men and women. I found information I had been seeking on respect and what it means to men. Most men would choose to be alone and unloved rather than feeling disrespected. Wow. As a couple, we have benefited tremendously from the findings in this book and its counterpart about women’s inner thoughts and feelings. There have been lots of “aha” moments for each of us.
- Persistence. I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to “stay the course” and continue to work toward reconciliation even though I had no indication that this was possible. I had heard multiple stories of others who regretted giving up on their marriages too early. This part was incredibly difficult as the waiting seem to go on for what seemed like a very long time.
Focus on the good that can come from pain. As a psychologist, some of my research has examined how positive changes can come about from very difficult situations. Deep down, I believed that somehow, something good would ultimately come out of an intensely painful situation.
- Exercise. In addition to walking and practicing yoga, I started to ride my bike for the first time in 11 years. I rode the 7-mile loop around Salem Lake over and over and over. It helped me to feel better emotionally and physically. (I figured that keeping myself looking as good as possible wouldn’t hurt either!)
- Assume positive intent. Starting to assume that your spouse acts in a certain way because (s)he doesn’t care about you or your feelings is deadly. Learning to assume that the other person isn’t actively trying to be hurtful when one of us ends up feeling hurt or angry has been huge for us.
- Seek help. We also worked closely with a marriage therapist and found it incredibly helpful to have an objective person to guide us. I have read that most couples wait years too long to seek help. We definitely waited too long.
- Pray (and pray some more). I believe strongly that my prayers, my husband’s prayers, and the prayers of many other people for us were incredibly powerful. I prayed for my husband daily. I prayed for grace and peace and strength daily. I knew that I needed to trust in God even though the situation felt hopeless. Somehow, amidst the tears and sleepless nights and feeling of numbness, I also experienced an amazing calm during that summer. I believe that was truly amazing grace.
I know that my situation could have very well ended differently. On multiple occasions, my husband has thanked me for fighting for us. Hearing that means the world to me.
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All marriages need encouragement from time to time. Thank you for being transparent and sharinf your resources!!
You are an inspiration to so many people with this piece – this is the perfect testament to never give up, no matter the situation or feelings. These things are very hard and sometimes feel so toxic that you have no hope for a good outcome, but you kept believing that God can save that which man feels might be doomed to failure. With grace you both found new life in each other and the will to start over again. I applaud both of you!!! Keep on helping all of us live with grace and faith in the unbelievable light of God. Honoring each other as persons with needs and desires different from our own, gives us an incredibly different depth to our relationships – you have done that with great beauty and tenderness. We can’t wait to hear your story when you both celebrate your 50 years of married life – it will be awesome!
I have always admired your grace, even when we were young teens. Thank you for sharing your story in such a way that will inspire many (including myself) to work hard and look inward. I’m so happy to see your family whole again.
Thanks for sharing Suzanne. As someone who was at your wedding and currently an MFT, I’m always amazed to hear that what I see is not always the real deal. It‘s awe inspiring to know you had this epiphany & were willing to stick it out. Congrats to a new beginning. Keep up the good work & try a Worldwide Marriage Encounter to enrich your marriage even more.
Your story is an inspiration to us all! Thank you for sharing! Amen to the power of prayer! ????
So thankful things worked out! You guys have always been super special!
What a wonderful example of selfless-ness and dedication!!! Thank you Suzanne for sharing!
I am so proud of you Suzanne and the impactful well written article. So many people struggle with humility, and you followed Christ’s example instead of so many selfish people that are so prideful that divorce becomes the solution. I am such a better person for having you in my life, you are beautiful inside and out and I am overjoyed with how God has changed your relationship and used you to help others. You are a witness for those that have struggled in marriage, and all marriages take work. Bless you amazing lady!
Suzanne- What a long, arduous journey you have been on. Your strength and resilience continues to be admirable. I am so happy for you both, and for your beautiful boys.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Suzanne! It’s never easy for a person to admit that they could be part of the problem and you did so with honesty and grace. I’ve learned some things here that I can use to strengthen my own relationship. Best wishes for you and your family!
Love that you made it—or rather, are still making it, as it’s always a work in progress. Congratulations on your success. Your boys will be forever grateful. XO.
I saw a very vague post on Facebook from Lee that made me keep your whole family in my prayers for many months. I didn’t know the nature of the problem, only that it was severe. That you persisted and took action will be a great inspiration to many. Bless you and your whole family.
Wow. This is riddled with fantastic advice, for both marriages in need of restoration and those that just need a tuneup. I love the paper cut analogy too. Thank you for this brave and beautifully-written piece.
What a great post with wonderful tips. I’m so happy for your family 🙂 Thank you for sharing this on TMoM, Suzanne!
You are so brave, insightful and powerful, Suzanne. I have always been amazed by your honesty and genuine character. I, too, am so proud of you and Lee. Bless you both and your beautiful boys. <3
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear this today and it gives me hope!
I very much enjoyed your story, and am happy for your success. As someone who left my marriage 13 years ago and went forward to create a new, happy, healthy and fulfilling life, I do want to make the point that for some, ending a marriage is the very best option.
U 2 r an inspiration. ..love to u both!!
Thank you for sharing your story. An important reminder that marriage is a constant work in progress during the good times and not so good times. Wishing you and your family continued peace and happiness…
What an incredibly brave testimony! Suzanne, you’re such an inspiration already, but reading this blog has inspired me even more to always fight for what’s most important in the life God has provided us. Thank you ❤️
What a wonderful story! I’m so proud of you two and am so happy to see you and your beautiful family together! ????