Attachment vs. Detachment Parenting: Which One is for You?
By TMoM team member Dani Luft
Recently on Facebook, a few of my friends posted this article on Detachment parenting and it got me thinking about attachment vs. detachment parenting: Which method do I most associate myself with doing and has that way been successful for my children and me?
The term “attachment parenting” was coined by pediatrician William Sears, a name known by all of us who are avid readers of parenting books. According to Wikipedia, “Principles of attachment parenting aim to increase development of a child’s secure attachment and decrease insecure attachment. . . . many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babyweaning, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, natural health, cooperative movements, paleolithic lifestyle, naturism and support of organic and local foods. ” Mayim Bialik, who played Blossom on the hit show “Blossom,” is famous for her outspokeness towards the benefits of practicing attachment parenting.
“Detachment parenting” is quite the opposite—putting the child down to sleep in his or her own crib while awake, letting them fall asleep on their own. No baby wearing and supportive of circumcision. In one article I read, a mother who is a detachment parent explained that when she hears screaming she does not intervene unless there is blood or someone was severely hurt. She lets her kids figure it out on their own.
That is not to say that those who practice attachment parenting do not let their children have their space, or those who practice detachment parenting aren’t sensitive or instill security in their children. I think they can overlap.
After reading more on the subject, I lean more towards the detachment parenting rather than attachment parenting, but I do overlap in some areas. Like most things in parenting, nothing is black and white and neither are my parenting skills. What I did with my first daughter isn’t always how I parented my second. With each child comes different personalities and different ways I had to handle situations.
I am certainly not judging either way. As moms, we must stick together and congratulate each other for getting our child to sleep through the night, no matter how we do it. We must support each other with our decisions to send our children to school or home school them. Attachment parenting or detachment parenting: in my eyes it’s parenting. And it’s hard. The right thing to do is parent with love.
Are you an attachment parent or a detachment parent? Have you tried both? Tell us your stories.
I used to be very ‘attached’ and physically affectionate parents the kids were small. As the grew tin teen ages, they became very sharp and hurtful. I had to remove myself physically and emotionally to save my own sanity. I became a fully detached parent as they left for college. Now I am ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ parent. I help and advise only when they seek it. otherwise i leave them alone and trust they have all the ‘tools’ to keep themselves safe and any hurt is part of growing up. If they are in trouble and asks for help I am fully there, no strings attached, no question or judgment. But otherwise I don’t worry. I don’t know if it is good or bad for the child.