I’m a Minivan Mom
By Guest Blogger Stephanie Mannuci-Polnak
Nothing is the hallmark of motherhood like a minivan. Moms and minivans are like Starbucks in Target, or me in underwear that comes up to my boobs, just a perfect marriage of convenience and comfort. Naturally, when we added another child to our family, we also added the swagger wagon. I know, I know, but I want you to know I’m still cool af; I somehow feel obligated to say this because I just saw the SUV moms read this with their judgy eyes. Relax Karen, this isn’t about cool points, we all know you are wayyyyy cooler than me with your throw back, butt morphing mom jeans and crop top.
This is about practicality. I only have two kids, so on paper our SUV should have done the trick, you know, just like the Shake Weight, in theory it made sense to someone. However, once you add the two kids, the two car seats, strollers, diaper bags, and 1,937,829 Starbucks and Chick-fil-A receipts I could buy a tour bus and still somehow outgrow it. Until people start to appreciate my gift as a touring pop singer, the short term solution is a minivan.
My insecurities aren’t loud, so I have zero shame in my mom mobile game. When I see Karen roll up in her pristine Navigator I just say it’s not my season of motherhood, as I wipe my kid’s snotty nose on my raggy breast milk stained shirt. I am a firm believer you have to own who you are.
Some people measure motherhood by getting one’s odious spawn to sleep through the night, or breast feed until adulthood. Not this chick, oh no, I measure motherhood by how much trash myself and my kids can jam into a van. To be clear, the process of complete trash conquest is an amalgamation of actual garbage and usable items, such as toys, lunch boxes, coats, dirty tissues, toys (yes more toys), shopping bags, receipts, gum/fast food wrappers, and soggy/hard remnants of food, etc..Oh, and if you are the real deal there may be a dirty diaper, but never a clean diaper when you need it the most. The true measure comes by means of how much shit pukes out from the sliding doors when they open. As if you just unbuttoned your pants after a big lunch and your gut spills out. The fallen objects make loud and unpleasant noises as they hit asphalt. People in the school pick up lane behind you snicker and sneer as you hold the line up, as you desperately try to toss your shame piles back into your granny panty of a vehicle.
Really, the whole process sums motherhood up perfectly. We might look nice and shiny on the outside, but on the inside, most of us are disorganized disasters of randomness just trying to hold our s**t in.
Stephanie Mannuci-Polnak is a humor and lifestyle blogger living in Winston-Salem, NC. When she is not writing rambling sentences and abusing ellipses, Steph can be found navigating mom life on the struggle bus. Follow her work at: www.sarcasticallysteph.com.
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Vans/Minivans are Super-Awesome And Super-Sexy And so are Moms/Sisters & Women/Girls in general who drive Vans/Minivans!!!! They’re the Absolute Best!!!! Especially because Vans/Minivans also all look like they have Boobies in the front from what I have noticed!!!! My Mom And my Sisters were all Super-Awesome And Super-Sexy Ballerinas(even With Stinky Breath) who drove a Beautifully Stinky, White Mazda MPV Van/Minivan And they all Embraced And Rocked it!!!! My Mom And Sisters are the Best Van/Minivan Ballerinas I’ve known!!!!
I have to admit I was one of those who vowed to never own a minivan, that I would instead go for an SUV if we needed the room. But never say never! I did opt for a minivan after my second was born & it was an awesome ride!! Plenty of room for the car seats and like another comment plenty of room to haul the bikes. Another added feature I loved was when my oldest was able to start getting out of the vehicle by herself…with the sliding doors, did not have to cringe in fear she would slam the door onto the car parked next to us!! Unfortunately, my minivan had an accident so I’m no longer in a mom mobile, but I do miss it! Was one of the best & most versatile vehicles ever!!
We skipped the minivan and went right to a 15 passenger van (well 12 once we take out seats for trunk space). I have 4 kids, 3 in car seats, and my 3 row SUV was not working so I didnt think a minivan would either. The best decision ever! Every one has their own row!
I applaud your driving abilities. I can barely back up the minivan.
We just purchased our first minivan after finding out we are preggo with our fifth child. I will not lie my hubby and my pride hurt just a little knowing that we have moved to that stage in our life. We said a bittersweet good bye to my Honda Accord and embraced our Honda Odyssey. Now after having driven it for a few weeks all I can think of is ummm why the HELL didn’t we get one sooner?!! I love it! My husband however last week went and traded his truck for a bigger truck with a Hemi engine. He CLEARLY is still clinging to the fact that we are still young parents although he just turned 37 last January and is edging ever closer to 40 and our bones snap, crackle, pop when we get out of bed and we need an oxygen tank administered after chasing the kids in the yard for five minutes.. haha
Hey thanks for reading along, I appreciate it.
5 kids, are you strapping one to the roof?!
We went to the odessy after the CRV and definitely the best decision. We tested some other vans and they were like driving around tin cans in comparison.
Bhaha I’m we are ‘young’ too, but instead of buying a hemi my husband just went out and bought some of those icey hot patches for his back…
Minivans are awesome!! Not only can you get a BUNCH of soccer kids in there, including the cleats and 5 soccer balls . . . the dogs fit, all the big kids toys, throw the bikes in and then there have been good times with a BUNCH of moms and their bags as we leave town with a cooler of drinks and food!!
MINIVANS are where the fun happens!!
I will never understand how mini vans got a bad rap. I guess anything that put practicality over appearances will be frowned upon. We convinced our 5 year old that it’s like a spaceship so he totally talks us up.
Thanks so much for reading and I’m glad you enjoy the luxury of the swagger wagon!
This is great! Hooray for minivans!
Thank for reading, and ditto!
Love it! Minivans rock!
Hi lady!
Thanks for reading and showing solidarity for the mom mobile!