The Candidate

By Kelly Hines

“You should totally run for something,” my friend Alex says. “Like school board, or county commissioner, or dog catcher.” She’s drinking wine glass number three of six, and I’ve had two whiskeys, which is just enough to make this sound like a good idea.

“I’m actually not qualified to do politics stuff,” I reply.

Alex cuts her eyes at me and snorts.

So I started thinking – this is our time, right? With record number of women throwing their hat into the political ring, why not me? So Alex I and spend the next hour breaking it down.

1. I have strong opinions supported by limited knowledge. Which makes me like 75% of the American public. OK, I don’t actually know if 75% of people have strong opinions and limited knowledge, it just sounds like it’s probably right. This is the kind of thinking that completely supports my point.
2. I can argue about stuff I don’t know about. My debate strategy is two fold: Argue passionately, even if I think I might be wrong, and use circular logic. This is how I win every argument with my husband.
3. I do embarrassing things and then tell people about it. I can’t wait to post on Facebook if I forget to wear a bra to the grocery store or fart in public. So many of my stories start out with, “You’ll never believe what I did today!” followed by something like getting my nipple caught in my jacket zipper.
4. I might indulge in an adult beverage every now and again. And sometimes this might cause me to be exuberant and enthusiastic beyond ‘normal’ levels. My husband calls this “Causing a scene.” I call it “enjoying my evening.” Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.
5. I have no chill. A couple of summers ago, my friend Angelique and I met our favorite chef, Vivian Howard, at a grocery store book signing. I was so excited that I got all hot (literally) and red faced and had to go swipe a bag of frozen peas and hold them on my neck so I’d cool down and not be a complete hot, red, sweaty freak when I met her. I get excited. REALLY EXCITED.
6. I am not tolerant of differing opinions. I mean, it’s ok if you have differing opinions, it’s just that you’re wrong.
7. Curse words are a foundational element of my speech. We recently got a Ring system, which is intended to catch errant thievery and boyfriends coming over when we’re not home. It mostly catches me grousing about all the *&#$(** balls all over the @#$*$&#)( yard because no one knows how to put a &#$(^& thing away.
8. I did that thing that one time and not everyone who was there is dead yet.
9. I am loathe to put on actual pants. I mean, I’ll get dressed and go do stuff, but I’m not complaining when things get cancelled. The idea that I’ll have to show up and be in a good mood when I could be watching the Queer Eye reboot for the fortieth time? Hard pass.
10. It is difficult for me to accept that I might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Even if we completely disagree, even if you are not MY cup of tea, I still want you to like me. I know, right??

At the end of the conversation, the answer was clear. Alex looked me dead in the eye as she poured the dregs out of the bottle. “Dude. You gotta run.” #Kelly2020

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