I Hope My Kids Get C’s
By TMoM Team Member, Ashley Quinn Kibby
When I was in grade school in the 1990s, nothing mattered more than academic performance. I had to get A’s because I needed them to prove my intellect, make my parents proud, and get into college. In college, I had to make Dean’s List for many of the same reasons. But once I started my career in advertising, my ability to score big on a test was not the most useful skill, and it certainly did not prepare me to navigate the complexities of life.
Sure, memory and retention are great muscles to exercise. But we need much more than good grades to develop the emotional and social intelligence that a productive, safe, and healthy society demands. Especially when unprecedented challenges to our environment and infrastructure will require cooperation and ingenuity like we’ve never seen before.
This is why I hope my kids get Cs in school: Curiosity, Compassion, Communication
Now you might be thinking, that’s easy for me to say, my twins are only two! But I’ll tell you the most important thing I’ve learned from raising these two children. They have shared a womb, room, preschool environment, and parents, but everything from the topics of their interests to the pace of their development is completely unique.
I try to foster my kids’ individuality by tuning into their specific outlets instead of providing a one-size-fits-all approach. While this can be time consuming, it helps them both to develop emotional language, social support, and creative expression. Above all else, it’s taught them to trust their own instincts. Now I wonder how this translates to a classroom of twenty.
Today’s Classrooms
My friend’s six-year-old excels at math. He also works one-on-one with a student aide because he’s “behind” in reading comprehension. Another friend’s nine-year-old creates and performs amazing comedy acts. She also just started medication to help her focus in the classroom. Both children are now learning that their abilities are measured against their peers, and that being different requires correction. Both are being conditioned to get the grade, even if that goes against their natural inclinations or interests.
It’s widely accepted that our children must hit the same academic milestones around the same time, but is this model working for us? Some of the most prolific minds in history — from Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin to Walt Disney — performed poorly in high school. The innovative workplaces of today and complex challenges of tomorrow also make it clear that diversity in skill and experience is a priority.
So, what are the costs of conformity? Do our academic standards foster curious minds, compassionate friends, and good communicators? Do they support our ability to recognize, appreciate, and leverage our innate abilities for the benefit of all? And do they help develop essential life skills like cooperation and conflict negotiation?
Social Emotional Learning
Academic performance and social and emotional learning (SEL) are not mutually exclusive. In fact, many schools have adopted SEL curriculum or a Responsive Classroom approach. This is precisely because research correlates it with success in school, work, and life. Today, many preschool and elementary curricula incorporate aspects of SEL. This includes self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making.
Dennette Bailey, owner of Bailey preschool in Winston-Salem, fosters social and emotional development in the classroom. She does this by having children explain what they are doing through simple activities. She incorporates this during show and tell, drawing, or building Legos. “This talk-through improves speaking skills, fosters self-confidence, and allows them to practice gauging the response of their audience.”
Lizzie Hall is a first grade teacher at the leading independent school, University School of Nashville. She says “We believe that social and emotional learning is the most important in early education and academics come after.” For K-5 classrooms, Lizzie has helped developed curriculum that addresses concepts like Identity, Power & Privilege, and Metacognition. Her students learn to understand and trust signals from their bodies. They learn to regulate emotions through mindfulness. They also learn to respect and appreciate differences through interactive activities with pairs and groups.
Room for Growth
Our standards for success are expanding, but there’s still room for growth. I have high hopes that my Gen Alpha kids will learn to value cooperation over competition, and originality over standardization. Perhaps our forced experiment with virtual learning, and new technology in the classroom, may even create opportunities for students to move along tailored pathways pertaining to their unique interests and abilities. Until then, I will advocate for my kids to learn their C’s and try not to push so hard for those A’s.
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I remember always coming home with C’s on report cards in elementary school and my sister would come home with A’s and B’s my mom would say great job for good effort because she knew I always had a hard time in school.
Yes!! Thank you for your article. I have two boys; one in 8th, the other in 10th in local public schools. I’ve been questioning why as parents we’ve pushed on our kids to get As or else? Covid has provided clarity. No one is going to ask our children when their 30 what their grades/GPA was in high school. Also kids missed out on social and emotional learning and growth. School is so much more than academics and grades. A teacher recently complimented my 16 year old stating how respectful he is, how he gets along with his peers and yes, intelligent he is (and let me say, he is no where near an A in this class). However these are the qualities I want him to have when he graduates that will help him in the real world, not whether he can quote McBeth or know the angle of a scalene triangle.
Exactly!!!! And while we’re on the topic, college curriculum could include some “real world” skills too. But I am so inspired by the little kids that are learning emotional processing skills that I’m still developing as an adult!! ????
Great article! My kindergartner tells me that every day they have “relaxation time” in his classroom, where they have a choice to lay on the carpet and rest or draw on their whiteboard. This was wonderful to hear and gives me hope that my kids are learning about mindfulness in the classroom.
Love this!!!
This is great. My one toddler asks for “alone time” almost every day. Crucial emotional awareness! I just hope she continues this practice as a young adult, teen and adult. I feel like that’s when it’s not reinforced as much because we have better emotional regulation — but we still need the practice (at least I do!).
I loved this article and agree wholeheartedly! As a former school counselor in independent schools I worked hard to incorporate the 3 C’s in all of my work with children. Familiarizing them early with information to help with self-regulation, the relaxation response and identifying their feelings are so important to begin in preschool and communication skills and navigating relationships should follow. Unfortunately, asking teachers to implement and reinforce these skills in the classroom would often result in pushback due to limited time available and pressure to reach academic goals at the same pace and time. Much can be done to improve our academic system and to enhance pedagogy but starting at home, as the author suggests, is the first and most important step.
Thank you for sharing your experience as a school counselor! It’s tough when SEL is seen in competition with academics when in fact they are complementary!!